I admit, I wrote something out a few days back, and apparently it didn't post! Pretty lame. I can't remember what it was about anyway.
My brain has been such a chaotic mess the last...9 days that I just haven't been able to sit down and write something substantial in here, but friends are sticking to their word about getting on my case if I don't post for a while. I'm even reluctant right now, because I have nothing specific to write about, but maybe blabbing about random things will ease a bit of the tension that I have in my head.
I've said a few times in this blog so far, that I am incredibly thankful to have such a great job, but there's nights like tonight, where I'm just so physically and mentally drained. I felt like I was being pulled in 10 different directions. It's a horrible thing to say, but being at work, is sometimes like caring for 26 children for 8 hours. Bless their souls, they're great people, but their dementia's and challenges weigh on a person. I've had a splinting headache all day and it only got worse as my night progressed. I need more hours, so I agreed to work a 3-11pm shift tomorrow (one of my days off), so I'm hoping that it's far less tiring than tonight was.
Today was payday. I generally get $1,000 every 2 weeks, give or take a few dollars, and honestly, I barely have anything left. I feel like I just work to pay my bills. I'm not getting ahead in anything. I need to pay off debt, I want to go back to school, I'd like to be able to spoil myself once in a while, but it just isn't happening.
There's been a bit of reconciliation in my life lately. It's a welcome change, that's for sure. I've always disliked losing people in my life, so losing someone for a period of time and then having them back in your life as a friend is nice. There's a few other people who I'd like to start building the bridge with again, but we'll see. You really have to weigh the pros and cons of something like that, though.
Hockey is back, thank heavens. That 4.5 months was just torture. I really, really hope that The Canucks can make Vancouver proud this year and bring the cup home. The anti-canucks people who always cut them down really get on my nerves. Friendly competition is totally acceptable, but some people need to learn to respect others' opinions.
My sister found out today that she'll be having a baby girl in December, so I'll be Auntie Meesa to Miss. Sophia Kristina-Lynn. I'm getting a bit more excited about things, but I'm really anxious and worried for her. I know she'll pull through it, but I can see how much reality is going to hit her soon, and I don't want her overwhelmed. I guess that's where family comes in, but really, where's the line? How much is TOO much help? How much is too LITTLE help? It's a learning experience for us all. And at the end of the day, there's a baby to be loved, so it's not all bad. -- I've been having baby fever lately as well. My common sense side made sure that that won't happen any time soon, but the wishful side of me really wants a baby. 3 people close to me are all having babies between december and february, so I suppose I'll just have to babynap them to satisfy my thoughts haha.
I've been thinking a lot about school too. I can't explain how much I want to be accepted into the BPN program. I would be so incredibly happy to finally get going on my ultimate goal of being an RN. But at the same time, it stresses me out a lot because I don't know how I would go to school full-time and pay all the bills that need to be paid as well. I need to win the lottery. I have $7,500 in credit debt, $12,000 in grandparent debt (they paid for my RCA and pre-nursing courses) and then the $19,000 left to pay on my car. I get so down when I look at my pay stubs and see that I've made $18,000 so far this year and really nothing to show for it.
I'm really thankful that I have Jay right now. We've been together for almost a month now and he really makes my days brighter. I know that I can go to him if I'm feeling overwhelmed or upset and he does his best to cheer me up. I've spent a lot of time with him and I'm looking forward to spending a lot more with him as well.
I do think that writing this has helped me tonight. It's long, but I have to make up for this last week, I guess. I've been thinking about when I should take some time off work as vacation. I feel like I'm getting a bit burnt out. I'm not sure if I want to take it during the holidays because then I'm missing out on the stat-pay, but at the same time, I'd like to be able to spend it with family, especially since my little niece will be showing her face mid-end of december. We'll see.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
Days 22-26 - Speaking Up
Recently, I've become a lot more vocal about my opinions and things that I disagree with, which I suppose is a good and bad thing. I lean more towards the good....I hope.
I will be the first to tell anyone that I love my job. I am so grateful to have a full-time position in health care, I can't even explain it. Finding RCA work is hard enough, but in a great facility is almost impossible, so I totally lucked out. The management is great, all of the residents are fun, the staff is awesome for the most part and I can honestly say that I have made actual friendships from working there.
There are, however, issues that staff members have with other staff members, that's normal. What I don't agree with is staff members disrespecting someones privacy and either "gossiping" or spreading rumours. That's where I draw the line for me. I'm proud to say I spoke up, and hopefully something will be done about it!
I also applied for a job posting at my work. Same employer etc, just in the building on the other side of the property. It'd give me 80 hours every 2 weeks instead of my 58-70 hours, which would help me a lot, and give me a much needed break from the same old routine I do on my floor.
Starting on the 20th, I'm FORCING myself to go to the gym 5 times a week. I need to. My energy level is in the crapper, and I just don't feel GOOD, ya know? So, rain or shine, tired or not, I'm going to the gym before work on evening shifts and after work on morning shifts.
MUST GET BETTER WORKOUT MUSIC!!
I will be the first to tell anyone that I love my job. I am so grateful to have a full-time position in health care, I can't even explain it. Finding RCA work is hard enough, but in a great facility is almost impossible, so I totally lucked out. The management is great, all of the residents are fun, the staff is awesome for the most part and I can honestly say that I have made actual friendships from working there.
There are, however, issues that staff members have with other staff members, that's normal. What I don't agree with is staff members disrespecting someones privacy and either "gossiping" or spreading rumours. That's where I draw the line for me. I'm proud to say I spoke up, and hopefully something will be done about it!
I also applied for a job posting at my work. Same employer etc, just in the building on the other side of the property. It'd give me 80 hours every 2 weeks instead of my 58-70 hours, which would help me a lot, and give me a much needed break from the same old routine I do on my floor.
Starting on the 20th, I'm FORCING myself to go to the gym 5 times a week. I need to. My energy level is in the crapper, and I just don't feel GOOD, ya know? So, rain or shine, tired or not, I'm going to the gym before work on evening shifts and after work on morning shifts.
MUST GET BETTER WORKOUT MUSIC!!
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Days 19-21 - One door closes and another opens
A lot of doors have shut for me in the last few years, but I also see that so many more have opened for me. Sometimes I get a little bit down when I look at what has happened in my life, or what I have to show for it since I graduated high school, but I really can't.
I went to college, I got a great job, bought myself a great car and have been (for the most part - thanks for helping sometimes, mommy and grammie ;p) supporting myself. Just because I'm not living on my own, doesn't mean I'm not independent, and just because I don't have a ring on my finger, doesn't mean that I can't have meaningful relationships. Would I like to have my own place? Absolutely. Do I want a ring on my finger? Debatable, but the thought is nice for a girl once in a while. I AM doing well for myself, I just need to keep that in mind because I easily feel...like a leech sometimes. I'm 21 years old, I shouldn't have such high expectations for myself...or should I? I can't express enough how much I want to be out on my own, settle down with an amazing man and build my family, but at 21, is that really and truly attainable? I see so many people I graduated with having babies, getting married, buying houses and I think to myself, "why are you in such a rush?" Being a mother and a wife is something I need to do in the future. I feel like it's my calling. But right now, I still have so much to learn about MYSELF to think about that stuff. I hope life works out for these past classmates (and even family), but it's hard for me to grasp how it will at such a young age. Maybe I'm jaded? Who knows.
Today was Abbey's first day of Kindergarten and it really put me in a nostalgic mood this afternoon. I thought back to watching her taking her first breaths as she came into our lives, and today, I watch her take her first steps as she walked into the world. Yes, she's only 4, but in the big picture, today was the day when her life really started. I'm so proud of her I could cry! I want to be the sister she looks up to, wants to be like, and comes to when she's upset or has boy problems. When she's 16, I'll be her cool 33yr old sister (oh, god) who she knows she can come to. I can only hope that I've been a part of shaping the person that she is becoming, because she's definitely a huge part of the person that I am.
I've been watching Teen Mom on MTV, and as horrible as it sounds, it makes me feel a bit better about my life. Children are blessings in any way, shape or form, but watching these 16-19 year old moms raise babies while they're still children themselves is hard, and I'm glad that I'm not in that position. One girl on the show, I have a lot of respect for. She knew that she and her boyfriend couldn't provide a proper life for her child and chose to give her up for adoption to a family that could. At that young of an age, it'd be an option that I'd explore, but right now, at this point in my life, I'm not sure that I could give my baby up for adoption. Financially, it would be hard, but the support I'd have as an adult (including having a job, and my own transportation) is exponentially different than what I'd have had at 16 or 17. Now, this isn't saying that I want children any time soon, nooooo thank-you, but on the hypothetical, I would step up and be the best mother for my child. I'd have no reason not to.
I guess that's a good opportunity to ask for opinions on that. Would you keep a child that you, in your heart knew that you couldn't care properly for, or would you chose to give your baby a better life with an adoptive family who is completely ready for children?
I went to college, I got a great job, bought myself a great car and have been (for the most part - thanks for helping sometimes, mommy and grammie ;p) supporting myself. Just because I'm not living on my own, doesn't mean I'm not independent, and just because I don't have a ring on my finger, doesn't mean that I can't have meaningful relationships. Would I like to have my own place? Absolutely. Do I want a ring on my finger? Debatable, but the thought is nice for a girl once in a while. I AM doing well for myself, I just need to keep that in mind because I easily feel...like a leech sometimes. I'm 21 years old, I shouldn't have such high expectations for myself...or should I? I can't express enough how much I want to be out on my own, settle down with an amazing man and build my family, but at 21, is that really and truly attainable? I see so many people I graduated with having babies, getting married, buying houses and I think to myself, "why are you in such a rush?" Being a mother and a wife is something I need to do in the future. I feel like it's my calling. But right now, I still have so much to learn about MYSELF to think about that stuff. I hope life works out for these past classmates (and even family), but it's hard for me to grasp how it will at such a young age. Maybe I'm jaded? Who knows.
Today was Abbey's first day of Kindergarten and it really put me in a nostalgic mood this afternoon. I thought back to watching her taking her first breaths as she came into our lives, and today, I watch her take her first steps as she walked into the world. Yes, she's only 4, but in the big picture, today was the day when her life really started. I'm so proud of her I could cry! I want to be the sister she looks up to, wants to be like, and comes to when she's upset or has boy problems. When she's 16, I'll be her cool 33yr old sister (oh, god) who she knows she can come to. I can only hope that I've been a part of shaping the person that she is becoming, because she's definitely a huge part of the person that I am.
I've been watching Teen Mom on MTV, and as horrible as it sounds, it makes me feel a bit better about my life. Children are blessings in any way, shape or form, but watching these 16-19 year old moms raise babies while they're still children themselves is hard, and I'm glad that I'm not in that position. One girl on the show, I have a lot of respect for. She knew that she and her boyfriend couldn't provide a proper life for her child and chose to give her up for adoption to a family that could. At that young of an age, it'd be an option that I'd explore, but right now, at this point in my life, I'm not sure that I could give my baby up for adoption. Financially, it would be hard, but the support I'd have as an adult (including having a job, and my own transportation) is exponentially different than what I'd have had at 16 or 17. Now, this isn't saying that I want children any time soon, nooooo thank-you, but on the hypothetical, I would step up and be the best mother for my child. I'd have no reason not to.
I guess that's a good opportunity to ask for opinions on that. Would you keep a child that you, in your heart knew that you couldn't care properly for, or would you chose to give your baby a better life with an adoptive family who is completely ready for children?
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Days 13-18 - Lack of Motivation and Being Sick
I fell into a rut with my last blog, and I really don't want that to happen with this one. I think I need this to keep my focus on bettering my life. Sabrina, I know you read this, so GET ON MY CASE when I don't blog haha. If anyone else reads, please do the same.
I've been in another bout of throat infection the last few days. I can't even tell you how many times I've had to be on antibiotics for my throat in the last year. It's actually getting really ridiculous. I can't keep missing work because of it. I really just want to get my tonsils taken out and be done with all of this, but apparently you have to have 6 positive throat swabs in a year for a doctor to be willing to remove tonsils. Why?! I don't understand that.
I've been spending a lot of time with Jay too. I have a lot of fun with him, and I don't think I've laughed so much in a while. It's a welcome change, that's for sure. I'm really looking forward to seeing where things go with us. I've been let down a few times, so part of me is being a bit reserved just out of...instinct? Regardless, I think things will be really good with him. I'm tired of seeing and experiencing relationships that don't have a whole lot of meaning. I need this to be different so I don't become too jaded.
I had a bit of a scare tonight while driving, that's not only made me really on edge, but has also made me think about safe driving.
I was stopped at a red light on 180th and #10 hwy. There was an SUV in front of me (who I'd met at a stop sign a few streets before and let turn in front of me) waiting to go straight. This silver hatchback was just flying down #10. His light turned amber and he wasn't slowing down. Turned red and he still wasn't slowing down. At that point, I grabbed my phone ready to call 911 in case there was an accident. So my light turned green and the SUV started going into the intersection. My stomach clenched into the biggest ball. The hatchback would have completely demolished that SUV (he was going at least 90-100km/hr) if he'd started going straight just a second sooner. After the car sped through the red, the SUV just stopped in the intersection. I made sure he was fine and went on my way. I'm so on edge right now. For a couple seconds, I honestly thought I was going to see someone die.
I'm not a reckless driver by any means, but there's been times where I could have stopped, but didn't, or did go too far over the speed limit. I don't want my life to be taken by something so easily preventable, and I couldn't live with myself if I took someone else life because of an accident that didn't have to happen.
I'm going to remember tonight any time I think I can make that amber light, or anytime I look down and see myself going faster than I should. I can't afford not to.
I need to start going back to the gym too. I can't get enough motivation with working out at home. I want to FEEL gorgeous and not just hear people tell me that I am.
Goodnight, everyone.
I've been in another bout of throat infection the last few days. I can't even tell you how many times I've had to be on antibiotics for my throat in the last year. It's actually getting really ridiculous. I can't keep missing work because of it. I really just want to get my tonsils taken out and be done with all of this, but apparently you have to have 6 positive throat swabs in a year for a doctor to be willing to remove tonsils. Why?! I don't understand that.
I've been spending a lot of time with Jay too. I have a lot of fun with him, and I don't think I've laughed so much in a while. It's a welcome change, that's for sure. I'm really looking forward to seeing where things go with us. I've been let down a few times, so part of me is being a bit reserved just out of...instinct? Regardless, I think things will be really good with him. I'm tired of seeing and experiencing relationships that don't have a whole lot of meaning. I need this to be different so I don't become too jaded.
I had a bit of a scare tonight while driving, that's not only made me really on edge, but has also made me think about safe driving.
I was stopped at a red light on 180th and #10 hwy. There was an SUV in front of me (who I'd met at a stop sign a few streets before and let turn in front of me) waiting to go straight. This silver hatchback was just flying down #10. His light turned amber and he wasn't slowing down. Turned red and he still wasn't slowing down. At that point, I grabbed my phone ready to call 911 in case there was an accident. So my light turned green and the SUV started going into the intersection. My stomach clenched into the biggest ball. The hatchback would have completely demolished that SUV (he was going at least 90-100km/hr) if he'd started going straight just a second sooner. After the car sped through the red, the SUV just stopped in the intersection. I made sure he was fine and went on my way. I'm so on edge right now. For a couple seconds, I honestly thought I was going to see someone die.
I'm not a reckless driver by any means, but there's been times where I could have stopped, but didn't, or did go too far over the speed limit. I don't want my life to be taken by something so easily preventable, and I couldn't live with myself if I took someone else life because of an accident that didn't have to happen.
I'm going to remember tonight any time I think I can make that amber light, or anytime I look down and see myself going faster than I should. I can't afford not to.
I need to start going back to the gym too. I can't get enough motivation with working out at home. I want to FEEL gorgeous and not just hear people tell me that I am.
Goodnight, everyone.
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