Wow, what a pathetic case I can be!
How embarassing.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Days 61-72 - Lacking substance
I'm in such a strange mood tonight.
I have a lump in my throat and I feel as though I could burst into tears at any moment, but I don't know why.
My life has been going so well. I'm being blessed with luck and good fortune, but generally, I've been unhappy. There's something missing in my life. I don't have that zest and passion that I had for so long anymore.
I go to work and put on an amazing facade of happiness, but on my breaks, I sit in my car, alone with my thoughts. Sometimes it's relaxing and sometimes it's torture. I think about how I want my life to be and how hard it has been getting to that point. I'm nowhere near my goal.
I'm so lonely it's incredible, and yet I'm surrounded by such amazing family, friends and coworkers. I don't understand it. *Insert tears here, now* One of the worst feelings is being in a group of people and deep down, feeling like you're alone. God, I'm being such a baby.What is wrong with me!?
If a friend were to come to me with these feelings, I'd ask them straight if they were depressed. I am not depressed. I cherish my life, I have so many things going for me and so many people who love me but as selfish as it is to say, it's not enough. I want more. I want a connection with someone, I want to be able to come home and have someone hug me. I miss closeness...I miss being able to use my sense of touch lovingly so bloody much, it's insane.
Sitting next to someone, feeling their warmth radiating outwards and wanting to just shout out at them to really see me, and not being able to, is the worst feeling. But I'm strong, I have to move past it. I will read this again, maybe tomorrow, maybe next week and shake my head at myself but right now, this is me and this is how I feel.
I am so looking forward to the day where I can stare my future in the eyes and feel so utterly content and at peace with life. I've felt it briefly in the past, but it faded. It's the one thing I'm truly looking forward to.
I'm babbling. I'll stop.
I have a lump in my throat and I feel as though I could burst into tears at any moment, but I don't know why.
My life has been going so well. I'm being blessed with luck and good fortune, but generally, I've been unhappy. There's something missing in my life. I don't have that zest and passion that I had for so long anymore.
I go to work and put on an amazing facade of happiness, but on my breaks, I sit in my car, alone with my thoughts. Sometimes it's relaxing and sometimes it's torture. I think about how I want my life to be and how hard it has been getting to that point. I'm nowhere near my goal.
I'm so lonely it's incredible, and yet I'm surrounded by such amazing family, friends and coworkers. I don't understand it. *Insert tears here, now* One of the worst feelings is being in a group of people and deep down, feeling like you're alone. God, I'm being such a baby.What is wrong with me!?
If a friend were to come to me with these feelings, I'd ask them straight if they were depressed. I am not depressed. I cherish my life, I have so many things going for me and so many people who love me but as selfish as it is to say, it's not enough. I want more. I want a connection with someone, I want to be able to come home and have someone hug me. I miss closeness...I miss being able to use my sense of touch lovingly so bloody much, it's insane.
Sitting next to someone, feeling their warmth radiating outwards and wanting to just shout out at them to really see me, and not being able to, is the worst feeling. But I'm strong, I have to move past it. I will read this again, maybe tomorrow, maybe next week and shake my head at myself but right now, this is me and this is how I feel.
I am so looking forward to the day where I can stare my future in the eyes and feel so utterly content and at peace with life. I've felt it briefly in the past, but it faded. It's the one thing I'm truly looking forward to.
I'm babbling. I'll stop.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Days 49-60 - 2 month mark
Alright, so today is 60 days since I started this blog and my posts have been very sporadic lately. It bums me out knowing that I'm slacking, but I've had such a hard time getting the motivation to write anything in here. I also haven't been reading much at all the last while, so I think that may be part of the reason.
I don't think I've changed much in 2 months, other than the fact that I have realized that I need to trust others' judgments over my own sometimes.
I was lonely and jumped into a relationship, much like a lot of people do. The best idea? probably not, but it was a very temporary "fix" to the loneliness. I will say that he and I had a few fun days, but a couple weeks in, I felt more like an ATM and chauffeur than a girlfriend. Definitely not how a relationship should be, not to mention only 2 weeks in. I was feeling quite used. I've only ever "ended" things with someone once before, so I was quite hesitant at first, even though I knew it was something that I needed to do. I wasn't happy and I found myself thinking about how life would be if I was single or in some amazing relationship. I consulted a couple friends and got the same response from them all. Jay and I were only dating for just over a month, thankfully, but working up the courage to break up was tough. One afternoon, after I'd distanced myself for a few days prior, I decided that now was the time, or I'd just keep putting it off. I hate confrontation. After everything was said and done, he sent me the rudest text I have ever received from someone. I'll paste it here just because I know only a few of you read this, and you're probably curious anyway;
"Whatever, I have other girls. I don't give a fuck. One goes and another one is ready to walk in. I'm glad you brought it up because I didn't want to be with you anyway. All my ex's are hot and skinny. I'm better off with them."
3 hours later after no response from me: "Plus, you were just a tissue that I used and chucked."
Believe it or not, that came from someone who not even a week earlier had told me that he loved me. I am so glad I never said it back to him because those 3 words are something I save for someone who I do truly love. I wasn't emotionally distraught about the breakup, but getting that text made me so upset. I deserve so so much better than that and I am a better person without him in my life. I only hope that I can find someone who I am truly compatible with. Who I can love and share the greatness of life with. I want love, passion and that sparkle in my eye. Not a man who tries to control me and constantly asks me for money. What was I thinking!?
Aside from that lovely drama, I've been really into something called The Myers Briggs test. It's a test of about 70 questions. It evaluates your answers and provides you with one of sixteen personality types. I am an ENFJ. Reading up on my type and talking with other ENFJ people in certain forums really helps me understand myself. I'm glad that someone introduced me to this.
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp
That's the link if anyone wants to figure their type out. Let me know what your type is, if you do! I'm interested!
I booked my holidays at work. Still waiting on the "approval," but I don't think there'll be a problem since I submitted it 3 months in advance. If all goes well, I'll have December 22nd until January 8th off of work. My little niece will hopefully be born in that time frame. I love the holidays and the thought of not spending it with family kind of sucks!
The Canucks NOR the Lions are doing very well right now, but for the NHL, this is just the beginning. I'm not sure if the Lions will make it to the Grey Cup next month. Always next year.
Well, I'm not sure what else to write here. It's 2am and I'm a bit tired. I think I'll finish watching "Rent" on Bravo and hit the sheets. One more day off tomorrow and then back to work Monday-Friday. Good stuff.
Hope everything is well with whoever is reading this!
I don't think I've changed much in 2 months, other than the fact that I have realized that I need to trust others' judgments over my own sometimes.
I was lonely and jumped into a relationship, much like a lot of people do. The best idea? probably not, but it was a very temporary "fix" to the loneliness. I will say that he and I had a few fun days, but a couple weeks in, I felt more like an ATM and chauffeur than a girlfriend. Definitely not how a relationship should be, not to mention only 2 weeks in. I was feeling quite used. I've only ever "ended" things with someone once before, so I was quite hesitant at first, even though I knew it was something that I needed to do. I wasn't happy and I found myself thinking about how life would be if I was single or in some amazing relationship. I consulted a couple friends and got the same response from them all. Jay and I were only dating for just over a month, thankfully, but working up the courage to break up was tough. One afternoon, after I'd distanced myself for a few days prior, I decided that now was the time, or I'd just keep putting it off. I hate confrontation. After everything was said and done, he sent me the rudest text I have ever received from someone. I'll paste it here just because I know only a few of you read this, and you're probably curious anyway;
"Whatever, I have other girls. I don't give a fuck. One goes and another one is ready to walk in. I'm glad you brought it up because I didn't want to be with you anyway. All my ex's are hot and skinny. I'm better off with them."
3 hours later after no response from me: "Plus, you were just a tissue that I used and chucked."
Believe it or not, that came from someone who not even a week earlier had told me that he loved me. I am so glad I never said it back to him because those 3 words are something I save for someone who I do truly love. I wasn't emotionally distraught about the breakup, but getting that text made me so upset. I deserve so so much better than that and I am a better person without him in my life. I only hope that I can find someone who I am truly compatible with. Who I can love and share the greatness of life with. I want love, passion and that sparkle in my eye. Not a man who tries to control me and constantly asks me for money. What was I thinking!?
Aside from that lovely drama, I've been really into something called The Myers Briggs test. It's a test of about 70 questions. It evaluates your answers and provides you with one of sixteen personality types. I am an ENFJ. Reading up on my type and talking with other ENFJ people in certain forums really helps me understand myself. I'm glad that someone introduced me to this.
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp
That's the link if anyone wants to figure their type out. Let me know what your type is, if you do! I'm interested!
I booked my holidays at work. Still waiting on the "approval," but I don't think there'll be a problem since I submitted it 3 months in advance. If all goes well, I'll have December 22nd until January 8th off of work. My little niece will hopefully be born in that time frame. I love the holidays and the thought of not spending it with family kind of sucks!
The Canucks NOR the Lions are doing very well right now, but for the NHL, this is just the beginning. I'm not sure if the Lions will make it to the Grey Cup next month. Always next year.
Well, I'm not sure what else to write here. It's 2am and I'm a bit tired. I think I'll finish watching "Rent" on Bravo and hit the sheets. One more day off tomorrow and then back to work Monday-Friday. Good stuff.
Hope everything is well with whoever is reading this!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Days 36-48 - Organized (and disorganized) Chaos
Why is it that life got so busy all of a sudden!?
I've mentioned to a few people that I honestly feel like I'm being pulled in 10 different directions at work and at home. The last month, I don't recall actually being able to take one of my days off and just do NOTHING. There's always something to do. Clean this, go pay this, drive here, pick someone up from there, attend that event that I said I'd go to, organize this, worry about that. My brain is such a jumble sometimes that I seriously think that someone should invent some sort of mental filing system. I'd pay top dollar for something like that! Anything to help me organize my chaotic mind!
I'm counting down the days until I should get a letter in the mail letting me know if I've been accepted or rejected by the Registered Psychiatric Nursing Program. I can't think back to anything I've wanted MORE than this. Getting into that program would be the start of my life, really. I know I've posted about it before, but I seriously MISS school, and I'm starting to get to the point where I need a break from work. I'm looking incredibly forward to my 2 weeks off in December for the holidays. I can't wait to just relax with my family, anticipate my niece being born and just enjoy the holidays all around. I know that if I get into school, I'll stress about the financial aspect at some point, but right now, I want to focus all of my energy on actually getting into the program first.
On my last days off, I took a day trip up to Manning Park with a friend. We hiked for hours, had a nice lunch in the park and had a generally good time. I wish I could have been with myself and my thoughts a bit more out in nature, but I'll take what I can get. It was a really nice little getaway.Took lots of pictures, that's for sure. I think I want to do that again sometime soon. Maybe Jay and I can do a hike like that sometime soon! I'd love to get into an active routine with him.
I just spent the last hour and a half or so reading my moms "hospital journal" from when my stepdad had his accident in 2004. I cried more than once. Reading how much pain she was in and what she was going through at the hospital made ME hurt and all of that happened 6 years ago. I kept thinking of Abbey and how that even if we had to go through all of that pain, we still got her. "Everything happens for a reason" rings true in this case and Abbey is that reason. I am feeling a whole bunch of emotions because of this right now.
Today was an exhausting day at work. It started out terribly and then kind of mellowed out and I was able to compose myself and get what I needed to get done, done. I'm so glad I'm at home. I surprised Abbey and Liam and picked them up from school after I took mom to work. Then I went to the high school and picked my other sister up. We all went to Dairy Queen and had some fun :) I have to leave in about 20 minutes to pick mom up from work and grab dinner. WONTON SOUP! Hurray!
Thinking about renting a movie tonight. Any suggestions!?
I've mentioned to a few people that I honestly feel like I'm being pulled in 10 different directions at work and at home. The last month, I don't recall actually being able to take one of my days off and just do NOTHING. There's always something to do. Clean this, go pay this, drive here, pick someone up from there, attend that event that I said I'd go to, organize this, worry about that. My brain is such a jumble sometimes that I seriously think that someone should invent some sort of mental filing system. I'd pay top dollar for something like that! Anything to help me organize my chaotic mind!
I'm counting down the days until I should get a letter in the mail letting me know if I've been accepted or rejected by the Registered Psychiatric Nursing Program. I can't think back to anything I've wanted MORE than this. Getting into that program would be the start of my life, really. I know I've posted about it before, but I seriously MISS school, and I'm starting to get to the point where I need a break from work. I'm looking incredibly forward to my 2 weeks off in December for the holidays. I can't wait to just relax with my family, anticipate my niece being born and just enjoy the holidays all around. I know that if I get into school, I'll stress about the financial aspect at some point, but right now, I want to focus all of my energy on actually getting into the program first.
On my last days off, I took a day trip up to Manning Park with a friend. We hiked for hours, had a nice lunch in the park and had a generally good time. I wish I could have been with myself and my thoughts a bit more out in nature, but I'll take what I can get. It was a really nice little getaway.Took lots of pictures, that's for sure. I think I want to do that again sometime soon. Maybe Jay and I can do a hike like that sometime soon! I'd love to get into an active routine with him.
I just spent the last hour and a half or so reading my moms "hospital journal" from when my stepdad had his accident in 2004. I cried more than once. Reading how much pain she was in and what she was going through at the hospital made ME hurt and all of that happened 6 years ago. I kept thinking of Abbey and how that even if we had to go through all of that pain, we still got her. "Everything happens for a reason" rings true in this case and Abbey is that reason. I am feeling a whole bunch of emotions because of this right now.
Today was an exhausting day at work. It started out terribly and then kind of mellowed out and I was able to compose myself and get what I needed to get done, done. I'm so glad I'm at home. I surprised Abbey and Liam and picked them up from school after I took mom to work. Then I went to the high school and picked my other sister up. We all went to Dairy Queen and had some fun :) I have to leave in about 20 minutes to pick mom up from work and grab dinner. WONTON SOUP! Hurray!
Thinking about renting a movie tonight. Any suggestions!?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)