So, my dear friends are doing a great job at getting on my case about not blogging in here.
I honestly put thought into it tonight while I was at work about what I could possibly blog about.
My life is still quite routine and dull, for the most part. I've been having great times at work and have been trying to get all my Christmas shopping done relatively soon, but alas, working evenings makes it a bit hard.
My work has been so great to the staff and residents this year. We had a huge Resident/Family Christmas Party the other night and it was amazing. We had a resident's son dress up as Santa, an entertainer came and our kitchen staff put out the most delicious spread of food. It was such a nice atmosphere.
Tonight was the STAFF Christmas Party. The owners paid for all of the employees to go to this fancy greek restaurant for dinner. I couldn't go because I had to work an evening shift, but the owners made sure to get plates delivered for everyone. It was super nice. We really feel appreciated at Brookside.
I have 3 more shifts to work and then I'm off until January 5th. I go back on Jan. 6th. I'm pretty excited about just relaxing for a good 2 weeks. I should be becoming an auntie any day now, so there's that to look forward to too.
Really, my life is pretty much the same. I'm 100% enrolled into my Psychiatric Nursing program now that Kwantlen has recognized that I have all of the requirements. Countdown to May 2nd start is on :)
Other than that, I've been talking to a really nice guy. I'm hoping to make my way down to Seattkle sometime soon to get together for the day. He seems to have a pretty great sense of humour, so that's a plus! Part of me is always a bit hesitant with new men in my life, solely because I'm so self conscious. Only three people have ever really looked past my lack of barbie-like body and taken the time to get to know me and see what I have to offer in a relationship. It's really quite discouraging. I always go into everything optimistically, but it's just hard when 95% of men you've ever been romantically interested are shallow and would rather have someone that could be blown over with a gust of wind haha. Ah well. I have a lot to offer someone, it just might take time to find that certain person!
I'm going to finish watching Jackass and head to bed haha. I promise, if anything interesting happens in my life, I'll post post post!
GOODNIGHT!!
Friday, December 17, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Days 74-92 - A little change in fortune!
The last month of my life has been absolutely exceptional! So many things have gone RIGHT for me, and I'm enjoying it as much as I can! It won't always be this good. I don't even know where to start, so I guess I'll just write bullets or something!
- Won another free spa party for me and 4 friends. $100 in free beauty product for me!
- Traded my car in for a new 2010 Dodge Charger. Super good deal, and the dealership even gave me money on top of the car price to pay off my credit cards.
- I got a promotion at work. Full-time evenings, 75 cent raise, new wing, new co-workers (amazing ones, I might add)
- Got in touch with my "aunt" on my biological father's side. She seemed happy to have contacted me so here's to hoping I can gain a bit more knowledge about her/them/him...whoever.
- Had a couple dates. Enjoying meeting new people and having good times. I've got a wee bit of a crush, but I won't get ahead of myself on that one.
And...saving the best for last
- I GOT ACCEPTED INTO NURSING SCHOOL!
I can not even explain how happy and relieved I was to get that acceptance letter. I have been waiting for 5 years for this and now it's all coming together. I paid the $300 commitment fee, paid $170 to re-certify myself in first aid/CPR (it's needed as a requirement) and finished that over the weekend. I just need to get my criminal record search done in the next day or 2 and then get my doctor to sign my immunizations form on the 25th and I'll be 100% in the program. I start on May 2nd. The only thing I'm somewhat stressed about is the money. There's no way I can work full-time and go to school full-time, so I'll need to find some sort of balance...and apply for student loans. But right now, I'm not even going to worry about that. I'm just going to enjoy this happy patch for a while!
I'll be becoming an auntie in about a month. I'm still worried for Jess, but I'm sure she'll find her niche as a mom, and we all know that I'm going to be the best aunt, so!
I am lonely when it comes down to it. I'd love to have someone to kiss goodnight or cuddle up with in bed...I miss that, but it's just not in my cards right now, I guess. My life is exponentially better than others' and I feel ashamed to complain about it sometimes. I know there's the right man for me out there somewhere, I just need to find him. And I will.
I really need to start putting Hakuna Matata to good use! I'm such a worry wart and it really gets me nowhere. Sitting back, relaxing, living a good life and helping others is all I can do. I'll let the rest come to me when it feels like it.
- Won another free spa party for me and 4 friends. $100 in free beauty product for me!
- Traded my car in for a new 2010 Dodge Charger. Super good deal, and the dealership even gave me money on top of the car price to pay off my credit cards.
- I got a promotion at work. Full-time evenings, 75 cent raise, new wing, new co-workers (amazing ones, I might add)
- Got in touch with my "aunt" on my biological father's side. She seemed happy to have contacted me so here's to hoping I can gain a bit more knowledge about her/them/him...whoever.
- Had a couple dates. Enjoying meeting new people and having good times. I've got a wee bit of a crush, but I won't get ahead of myself on that one.
And...saving the best for last
- I GOT ACCEPTED INTO NURSING SCHOOL!
I can not even explain how happy and relieved I was to get that acceptance letter. I have been waiting for 5 years for this and now it's all coming together. I paid the $300 commitment fee, paid $170 to re-certify myself in first aid/CPR (it's needed as a requirement) and finished that over the weekend. I just need to get my criminal record search done in the next day or 2 and then get my doctor to sign my immunizations form on the 25th and I'll be 100% in the program. I start on May 2nd. The only thing I'm somewhat stressed about is the money. There's no way I can work full-time and go to school full-time, so I'll need to find some sort of balance...and apply for student loans. But right now, I'm not even going to worry about that. I'm just going to enjoy this happy patch for a while!
I'll be becoming an auntie in about a month. I'm still worried for Jess, but I'm sure she'll find her niche as a mom, and we all know that I'm going to be the best aunt, so!
I am lonely when it comes down to it. I'd love to have someone to kiss goodnight or cuddle up with in bed...I miss that, but it's just not in my cards right now, I guess. My life is exponentially better than others' and I feel ashamed to complain about it sometimes. I know there's the right man for me out there somewhere, I just need to find him. And I will.
I really need to start putting Hakuna Matata to good use! I'm such a worry wart and it really gets me nowhere. Sitting back, relaxing, living a good life and helping others is all I can do. I'll let the rest come to me when it feels like it.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Days 61-72 - Lacking substance
I'm in such a strange mood tonight.
I have a lump in my throat and I feel as though I could burst into tears at any moment, but I don't know why.
My life has been going so well. I'm being blessed with luck and good fortune, but generally, I've been unhappy. There's something missing in my life. I don't have that zest and passion that I had for so long anymore.
I go to work and put on an amazing facade of happiness, but on my breaks, I sit in my car, alone with my thoughts. Sometimes it's relaxing and sometimes it's torture. I think about how I want my life to be and how hard it has been getting to that point. I'm nowhere near my goal.
I'm so lonely it's incredible, and yet I'm surrounded by such amazing family, friends and coworkers. I don't understand it. *Insert tears here, now* One of the worst feelings is being in a group of people and deep down, feeling like you're alone. God, I'm being such a baby.What is wrong with me!?
If a friend were to come to me with these feelings, I'd ask them straight if they were depressed. I am not depressed. I cherish my life, I have so many things going for me and so many people who love me but as selfish as it is to say, it's not enough. I want more. I want a connection with someone, I want to be able to come home and have someone hug me. I miss closeness...I miss being able to use my sense of touch lovingly so bloody much, it's insane.
Sitting next to someone, feeling their warmth radiating outwards and wanting to just shout out at them to really see me, and not being able to, is the worst feeling. But I'm strong, I have to move past it. I will read this again, maybe tomorrow, maybe next week and shake my head at myself but right now, this is me and this is how I feel.
I am so looking forward to the day where I can stare my future in the eyes and feel so utterly content and at peace with life. I've felt it briefly in the past, but it faded. It's the one thing I'm truly looking forward to.
I'm babbling. I'll stop.
I have a lump in my throat and I feel as though I could burst into tears at any moment, but I don't know why.
My life has been going so well. I'm being blessed with luck and good fortune, but generally, I've been unhappy. There's something missing in my life. I don't have that zest and passion that I had for so long anymore.
I go to work and put on an amazing facade of happiness, but on my breaks, I sit in my car, alone with my thoughts. Sometimes it's relaxing and sometimes it's torture. I think about how I want my life to be and how hard it has been getting to that point. I'm nowhere near my goal.
I'm so lonely it's incredible, and yet I'm surrounded by such amazing family, friends and coworkers. I don't understand it. *Insert tears here, now* One of the worst feelings is being in a group of people and deep down, feeling like you're alone. God, I'm being such a baby.What is wrong with me!?
If a friend were to come to me with these feelings, I'd ask them straight if they were depressed. I am not depressed. I cherish my life, I have so many things going for me and so many people who love me but as selfish as it is to say, it's not enough. I want more. I want a connection with someone, I want to be able to come home and have someone hug me. I miss closeness...I miss being able to use my sense of touch lovingly so bloody much, it's insane.
Sitting next to someone, feeling their warmth radiating outwards and wanting to just shout out at them to really see me, and not being able to, is the worst feeling. But I'm strong, I have to move past it. I will read this again, maybe tomorrow, maybe next week and shake my head at myself but right now, this is me and this is how I feel.
I am so looking forward to the day where I can stare my future in the eyes and feel so utterly content and at peace with life. I've felt it briefly in the past, but it faded. It's the one thing I'm truly looking forward to.
I'm babbling. I'll stop.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Days 49-60 - 2 month mark
Alright, so today is 60 days since I started this blog and my posts have been very sporadic lately. It bums me out knowing that I'm slacking, but I've had such a hard time getting the motivation to write anything in here. I also haven't been reading much at all the last while, so I think that may be part of the reason.
I don't think I've changed much in 2 months, other than the fact that I have realized that I need to trust others' judgments over my own sometimes.
I was lonely and jumped into a relationship, much like a lot of people do. The best idea? probably not, but it was a very temporary "fix" to the loneliness. I will say that he and I had a few fun days, but a couple weeks in, I felt more like an ATM and chauffeur than a girlfriend. Definitely not how a relationship should be, not to mention only 2 weeks in. I was feeling quite used. I've only ever "ended" things with someone once before, so I was quite hesitant at first, even though I knew it was something that I needed to do. I wasn't happy and I found myself thinking about how life would be if I was single or in some amazing relationship. I consulted a couple friends and got the same response from them all. Jay and I were only dating for just over a month, thankfully, but working up the courage to break up was tough. One afternoon, after I'd distanced myself for a few days prior, I decided that now was the time, or I'd just keep putting it off. I hate confrontation. After everything was said and done, he sent me the rudest text I have ever received from someone. I'll paste it here just because I know only a few of you read this, and you're probably curious anyway;
"Whatever, I have other girls. I don't give a fuck. One goes and another one is ready to walk in. I'm glad you brought it up because I didn't want to be with you anyway. All my ex's are hot and skinny. I'm better off with them."
3 hours later after no response from me: "Plus, you were just a tissue that I used and chucked."
Believe it or not, that came from someone who not even a week earlier had told me that he loved me. I am so glad I never said it back to him because those 3 words are something I save for someone who I do truly love. I wasn't emotionally distraught about the breakup, but getting that text made me so upset. I deserve so so much better than that and I am a better person without him in my life. I only hope that I can find someone who I am truly compatible with. Who I can love and share the greatness of life with. I want love, passion and that sparkle in my eye. Not a man who tries to control me and constantly asks me for money. What was I thinking!?
Aside from that lovely drama, I've been really into something called The Myers Briggs test. It's a test of about 70 questions. It evaluates your answers and provides you with one of sixteen personality types. I am an ENFJ. Reading up on my type and talking with other ENFJ people in certain forums really helps me understand myself. I'm glad that someone introduced me to this.
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp
That's the link if anyone wants to figure their type out. Let me know what your type is, if you do! I'm interested!
I booked my holidays at work. Still waiting on the "approval," but I don't think there'll be a problem since I submitted it 3 months in advance. If all goes well, I'll have December 22nd until January 8th off of work. My little niece will hopefully be born in that time frame. I love the holidays and the thought of not spending it with family kind of sucks!
The Canucks NOR the Lions are doing very well right now, but for the NHL, this is just the beginning. I'm not sure if the Lions will make it to the Grey Cup next month. Always next year.
Well, I'm not sure what else to write here. It's 2am and I'm a bit tired. I think I'll finish watching "Rent" on Bravo and hit the sheets. One more day off tomorrow and then back to work Monday-Friday. Good stuff.
Hope everything is well with whoever is reading this!
I don't think I've changed much in 2 months, other than the fact that I have realized that I need to trust others' judgments over my own sometimes.
I was lonely and jumped into a relationship, much like a lot of people do. The best idea? probably not, but it was a very temporary "fix" to the loneliness. I will say that he and I had a few fun days, but a couple weeks in, I felt more like an ATM and chauffeur than a girlfriend. Definitely not how a relationship should be, not to mention only 2 weeks in. I was feeling quite used. I've only ever "ended" things with someone once before, so I was quite hesitant at first, even though I knew it was something that I needed to do. I wasn't happy and I found myself thinking about how life would be if I was single or in some amazing relationship. I consulted a couple friends and got the same response from them all. Jay and I were only dating for just over a month, thankfully, but working up the courage to break up was tough. One afternoon, after I'd distanced myself for a few days prior, I decided that now was the time, or I'd just keep putting it off. I hate confrontation. After everything was said and done, he sent me the rudest text I have ever received from someone. I'll paste it here just because I know only a few of you read this, and you're probably curious anyway;
"Whatever, I have other girls. I don't give a fuck. One goes and another one is ready to walk in. I'm glad you brought it up because I didn't want to be with you anyway. All my ex's are hot and skinny. I'm better off with them."
3 hours later after no response from me: "Plus, you were just a tissue that I used and chucked."
Believe it or not, that came from someone who not even a week earlier had told me that he loved me. I am so glad I never said it back to him because those 3 words are something I save for someone who I do truly love. I wasn't emotionally distraught about the breakup, but getting that text made me so upset. I deserve so so much better than that and I am a better person without him in my life. I only hope that I can find someone who I am truly compatible with. Who I can love and share the greatness of life with. I want love, passion and that sparkle in my eye. Not a man who tries to control me and constantly asks me for money. What was I thinking!?
Aside from that lovely drama, I've been really into something called The Myers Briggs test. It's a test of about 70 questions. It evaluates your answers and provides you with one of sixteen personality types. I am an ENFJ. Reading up on my type and talking with other ENFJ people in certain forums really helps me understand myself. I'm glad that someone introduced me to this.
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp
That's the link if anyone wants to figure their type out. Let me know what your type is, if you do! I'm interested!
I booked my holidays at work. Still waiting on the "approval," but I don't think there'll be a problem since I submitted it 3 months in advance. If all goes well, I'll have December 22nd until January 8th off of work. My little niece will hopefully be born in that time frame. I love the holidays and the thought of not spending it with family kind of sucks!
The Canucks NOR the Lions are doing very well right now, but for the NHL, this is just the beginning. I'm not sure if the Lions will make it to the Grey Cup next month. Always next year.
Well, I'm not sure what else to write here. It's 2am and I'm a bit tired. I think I'll finish watching "Rent" on Bravo and hit the sheets. One more day off tomorrow and then back to work Monday-Friday. Good stuff.
Hope everything is well with whoever is reading this!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Days 36-48 - Organized (and disorganized) Chaos
Why is it that life got so busy all of a sudden!?
I've mentioned to a few people that I honestly feel like I'm being pulled in 10 different directions at work and at home. The last month, I don't recall actually being able to take one of my days off and just do NOTHING. There's always something to do. Clean this, go pay this, drive here, pick someone up from there, attend that event that I said I'd go to, organize this, worry about that. My brain is such a jumble sometimes that I seriously think that someone should invent some sort of mental filing system. I'd pay top dollar for something like that! Anything to help me organize my chaotic mind!
I'm counting down the days until I should get a letter in the mail letting me know if I've been accepted or rejected by the Registered Psychiatric Nursing Program. I can't think back to anything I've wanted MORE than this. Getting into that program would be the start of my life, really. I know I've posted about it before, but I seriously MISS school, and I'm starting to get to the point where I need a break from work. I'm looking incredibly forward to my 2 weeks off in December for the holidays. I can't wait to just relax with my family, anticipate my niece being born and just enjoy the holidays all around. I know that if I get into school, I'll stress about the financial aspect at some point, but right now, I want to focus all of my energy on actually getting into the program first.
On my last days off, I took a day trip up to Manning Park with a friend. We hiked for hours, had a nice lunch in the park and had a generally good time. I wish I could have been with myself and my thoughts a bit more out in nature, but I'll take what I can get. It was a really nice little getaway.Took lots of pictures, that's for sure. I think I want to do that again sometime soon. Maybe Jay and I can do a hike like that sometime soon! I'd love to get into an active routine with him.
I just spent the last hour and a half or so reading my moms "hospital journal" from when my stepdad had his accident in 2004. I cried more than once. Reading how much pain she was in and what she was going through at the hospital made ME hurt and all of that happened 6 years ago. I kept thinking of Abbey and how that even if we had to go through all of that pain, we still got her. "Everything happens for a reason" rings true in this case and Abbey is that reason. I am feeling a whole bunch of emotions because of this right now.
Today was an exhausting day at work. It started out terribly and then kind of mellowed out and I was able to compose myself and get what I needed to get done, done. I'm so glad I'm at home. I surprised Abbey and Liam and picked them up from school after I took mom to work. Then I went to the high school and picked my other sister up. We all went to Dairy Queen and had some fun :) I have to leave in about 20 minutes to pick mom up from work and grab dinner. WONTON SOUP! Hurray!
Thinking about renting a movie tonight. Any suggestions!?
I've mentioned to a few people that I honestly feel like I'm being pulled in 10 different directions at work and at home. The last month, I don't recall actually being able to take one of my days off and just do NOTHING. There's always something to do. Clean this, go pay this, drive here, pick someone up from there, attend that event that I said I'd go to, organize this, worry about that. My brain is such a jumble sometimes that I seriously think that someone should invent some sort of mental filing system. I'd pay top dollar for something like that! Anything to help me organize my chaotic mind!
I'm counting down the days until I should get a letter in the mail letting me know if I've been accepted or rejected by the Registered Psychiatric Nursing Program. I can't think back to anything I've wanted MORE than this. Getting into that program would be the start of my life, really. I know I've posted about it before, but I seriously MISS school, and I'm starting to get to the point where I need a break from work. I'm looking incredibly forward to my 2 weeks off in December for the holidays. I can't wait to just relax with my family, anticipate my niece being born and just enjoy the holidays all around. I know that if I get into school, I'll stress about the financial aspect at some point, but right now, I want to focus all of my energy on actually getting into the program first.
On my last days off, I took a day trip up to Manning Park with a friend. We hiked for hours, had a nice lunch in the park and had a generally good time. I wish I could have been with myself and my thoughts a bit more out in nature, but I'll take what I can get. It was a really nice little getaway.Took lots of pictures, that's for sure. I think I want to do that again sometime soon. Maybe Jay and I can do a hike like that sometime soon! I'd love to get into an active routine with him.
I just spent the last hour and a half or so reading my moms "hospital journal" from when my stepdad had his accident in 2004. I cried more than once. Reading how much pain she was in and what she was going through at the hospital made ME hurt and all of that happened 6 years ago. I kept thinking of Abbey and how that even if we had to go through all of that pain, we still got her. "Everything happens for a reason" rings true in this case and Abbey is that reason. I am feeling a whole bunch of emotions because of this right now.
Today was an exhausting day at work. It started out terribly and then kind of mellowed out and I was able to compose myself and get what I needed to get done, done. I'm so glad I'm at home. I surprised Abbey and Liam and picked them up from school after I took mom to work. Then I went to the high school and picked my other sister up. We all went to Dairy Queen and had some fun :) I have to leave in about 20 minutes to pick mom up from work and grab dinner. WONTON SOUP! Hurray!
Thinking about renting a movie tonight. Any suggestions!?
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Days 27-35 - Mental Mess
I admit, I wrote something out a few days back, and apparently it didn't post! Pretty lame. I can't remember what it was about anyway.
My brain has been such a chaotic mess the last...9 days that I just haven't been able to sit down and write something substantial in here, but friends are sticking to their word about getting on my case if I don't post for a while. I'm even reluctant right now, because I have nothing specific to write about, but maybe blabbing about random things will ease a bit of the tension that I have in my head.
I've said a few times in this blog so far, that I am incredibly thankful to have such a great job, but there's nights like tonight, where I'm just so physically and mentally drained. I felt like I was being pulled in 10 different directions. It's a horrible thing to say, but being at work, is sometimes like caring for 26 children for 8 hours. Bless their souls, they're great people, but their dementia's and challenges weigh on a person. I've had a splinting headache all day and it only got worse as my night progressed. I need more hours, so I agreed to work a 3-11pm shift tomorrow (one of my days off), so I'm hoping that it's far less tiring than tonight was.
Today was payday. I generally get $1,000 every 2 weeks, give or take a few dollars, and honestly, I barely have anything left. I feel like I just work to pay my bills. I'm not getting ahead in anything. I need to pay off debt, I want to go back to school, I'd like to be able to spoil myself once in a while, but it just isn't happening.
There's been a bit of reconciliation in my life lately. It's a welcome change, that's for sure. I've always disliked losing people in my life, so losing someone for a period of time and then having them back in your life as a friend is nice. There's a few other people who I'd like to start building the bridge with again, but we'll see. You really have to weigh the pros and cons of something like that, though.
Hockey is back, thank heavens. That 4.5 months was just torture. I really, really hope that The Canucks can make Vancouver proud this year and bring the cup home. The anti-canucks people who always cut them down really get on my nerves. Friendly competition is totally acceptable, but some people need to learn to respect others' opinions.
My sister found out today that she'll be having a baby girl in December, so I'll be Auntie Meesa to Miss. Sophia Kristina-Lynn. I'm getting a bit more excited about things, but I'm really anxious and worried for her. I know she'll pull through it, but I can see how much reality is going to hit her soon, and I don't want her overwhelmed. I guess that's where family comes in, but really, where's the line? How much is TOO much help? How much is too LITTLE help? It's a learning experience for us all. And at the end of the day, there's a baby to be loved, so it's not all bad. -- I've been having baby fever lately as well. My common sense side made sure that that won't happen any time soon, but the wishful side of me really wants a baby. 3 people close to me are all having babies between december and february, so I suppose I'll just have to babynap them to satisfy my thoughts haha.
I've been thinking a lot about school too. I can't explain how much I want to be accepted into the BPN program. I would be so incredibly happy to finally get going on my ultimate goal of being an RN. But at the same time, it stresses me out a lot because I don't know how I would go to school full-time and pay all the bills that need to be paid as well. I need to win the lottery. I have $7,500 in credit debt, $12,000 in grandparent debt (they paid for my RCA and pre-nursing courses) and then the $19,000 left to pay on my car. I get so down when I look at my pay stubs and see that I've made $18,000 so far this year and really nothing to show for it.
I'm really thankful that I have Jay right now. We've been together for almost a month now and he really makes my days brighter. I know that I can go to him if I'm feeling overwhelmed or upset and he does his best to cheer me up. I've spent a lot of time with him and I'm looking forward to spending a lot more with him as well.
I do think that writing this has helped me tonight. It's long, but I have to make up for this last week, I guess. I've been thinking about when I should take some time off work as vacation. I feel like I'm getting a bit burnt out. I'm not sure if I want to take it during the holidays because then I'm missing out on the stat-pay, but at the same time, I'd like to be able to spend it with family, especially since my little niece will be showing her face mid-end of december. We'll see.
My brain has been such a chaotic mess the last...9 days that I just haven't been able to sit down and write something substantial in here, but friends are sticking to their word about getting on my case if I don't post for a while. I'm even reluctant right now, because I have nothing specific to write about, but maybe blabbing about random things will ease a bit of the tension that I have in my head.
I've said a few times in this blog so far, that I am incredibly thankful to have such a great job, but there's nights like tonight, where I'm just so physically and mentally drained. I felt like I was being pulled in 10 different directions. It's a horrible thing to say, but being at work, is sometimes like caring for 26 children for 8 hours. Bless their souls, they're great people, but their dementia's and challenges weigh on a person. I've had a splinting headache all day and it only got worse as my night progressed. I need more hours, so I agreed to work a 3-11pm shift tomorrow (one of my days off), so I'm hoping that it's far less tiring than tonight was.
Today was payday. I generally get $1,000 every 2 weeks, give or take a few dollars, and honestly, I barely have anything left. I feel like I just work to pay my bills. I'm not getting ahead in anything. I need to pay off debt, I want to go back to school, I'd like to be able to spoil myself once in a while, but it just isn't happening.
There's been a bit of reconciliation in my life lately. It's a welcome change, that's for sure. I've always disliked losing people in my life, so losing someone for a period of time and then having them back in your life as a friend is nice. There's a few other people who I'd like to start building the bridge with again, but we'll see. You really have to weigh the pros and cons of something like that, though.
Hockey is back, thank heavens. That 4.5 months was just torture. I really, really hope that The Canucks can make Vancouver proud this year and bring the cup home. The anti-canucks people who always cut them down really get on my nerves. Friendly competition is totally acceptable, but some people need to learn to respect others' opinions.
My sister found out today that she'll be having a baby girl in December, so I'll be Auntie Meesa to Miss. Sophia Kristina-Lynn. I'm getting a bit more excited about things, but I'm really anxious and worried for her. I know she'll pull through it, but I can see how much reality is going to hit her soon, and I don't want her overwhelmed. I guess that's where family comes in, but really, where's the line? How much is TOO much help? How much is too LITTLE help? It's a learning experience for us all. And at the end of the day, there's a baby to be loved, so it's not all bad. -- I've been having baby fever lately as well. My common sense side made sure that that won't happen any time soon, but the wishful side of me really wants a baby. 3 people close to me are all having babies between december and february, so I suppose I'll just have to babynap them to satisfy my thoughts haha.
I've been thinking a lot about school too. I can't explain how much I want to be accepted into the BPN program. I would be so incredibly happy to finally get going on my ultimate goal of being an RN. But at the same time, it stresses me out a lot because I don't know how I would go to school full-time and pay all the bills that need to be paid as well. I need to win the lottery. I have $7,500 in credit debt, $12,000 in grandparent debt (they paid for my RCA and pre-nursing courses) and then the $19,000 left to pay on my car. I get so down when I look at my pay stubs and see that I've made $18,000 so far this year and really nothing to show for it.
I'm really thankful that I have Jay right now. We've been together for almost a month now and he really makes my days brighter. I know that I can go to him if I'm feeling overwhelmed or upset and he does his best to cheer me up. I've spent a lot of time with him and I'm looking forward to spending a lot more with him as well.
I do think that writing this has helped me tonight. It's long, but I have to make up for this last week, I guess. I've been thinking about when I should take some time off work as vacation. I feel like I'm getting a bit burnt out. I'm not sure if I want to take it during the holidays because then I'm missing out on the stat-pay, but at the same time, I'd like to be able to spend it with family, especially since my little niece will be showing her face mid-end of december. We'll see.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Days 22-26 - Speaking Up
Recently, I've become a lot more vocal about my opinions and things that I disagree with, which I suppose is a good and bad thing. I lean more towards the good....I hope.
I will be the first to tell anyone that I love my job. I am so grateful to have a full-time position in health care, I can't even explain it. Finding RCA work is hard enough, but in a great facility is almost impossible, so I totally lucked out. The management is great, all of the residents are fun, the staff is awesome for the most part and I can honestly say that I have made actual friendships from working there.
There are, however, issues that staff members have with other staff members, that's normal. What I don't agree with is staff members disrespecting someones privacy and either "gossiping" or spreading rumours. That's where I draw the line for me. I'm proud to say I spoke up, and hopefully something will be done about it!
I also applied for a job posting at my work. Same employer etc, just in the building on the other side of the property. It'd give me 80 hours every 2 weeks instead of my 58-70 hours, which would help me a lot, and give me a much needed break from the same old routine I do on my floor.
Starting on the 20th, I'm FORCING myself to go to the gym 5 times a week. I need to. My energy level is in the crapper, and I just don't feel GOOD, ya know? So, rain or shine, tired or not, I'm going to the gym before work on evening shifts and after work on morning shifts.
MUST GET BETTER WORKOUT MUSIC!!
I will be the first to tell anyone that I love my job. I am so grateful to have a full-time position in health care, I can't even explain it. Finding RCA work is hard enough, but in a great facility is almost impossible, so I totally lucked out. The management is great, all of the residents are fun, the staff is awesome for the most part and I can honestly say that I have made actual friendships from working there.
There are, however, issues that staff members have with other staff members, that's normal. What I don't agree with is staff members disrespecting someones privacy and either "gossiping" or spreading rumours. That's where I draw the line for me. I'm proud to say I spoke up, and hopefully something will be done about it!
I also applied for a job posting at my work. Same employer etc, just in the building on the other side of the property. It'd give me 80 hours every 2 weeks instead of my 58-70 hours, which would help me a lot, and give me a much needed break from the same old routine I do on my floor.
Starting on the 20th, I'm FORCING myself to go to the gym 5 times a week. I need to. My energy level is in the crapper, and I just don't feel GOOD, ya know? So, rain or shine, tired or not, I'm going to the gym before work on evening shifts and after work on morning shifts.
MUST GET BETTER WORKOUT MUSIC!!
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Days 19-21 - One door closes and another opens
A lot of doors have shut for me in the last few years, but I also see that so many more have opened for me. Sometimes I get a little bit down when I look at what has happened in my life, or what I have to show for it since I graduated high school, but I really can't.
I went to college, I got a great job, bought myself a great car and have been (for the most part - thanks for helping sometimes, mommy and grammie ;p) supporting myself. Just because I'm not living on my own, doesn't mean I'm not independent, and just because I don't have a ring on my finger, doesn't mean that I can't have meaningful relationships. Would I like to have my own place? Absolutely. Do I want a ring on my finger? Debatable, but the thought is nice for a girl once in a while. I AM doing well for myself, I just need to keep that in mind because I easily feel...like a leech sometimes. I'm 21 years old, I shouldn't have such high expectations for myself...or should I? I can't express enough how much I want to be out on my own, settle down with an amazing man and build my family, but at 21, is that really and truly attainable? I see so many people I graduated with having babies, getting married, buying houses and I think to myself, "why are you in such a rush?" Being a mother and a wife is something I need to do in the future. I feel like it's my calling. But right now, I still have so much to learn about MYSELF to think about that stuff. I hope life works out for these past classmates (and even family), but it's hard for me to grasp how it will at such a young age. Maybe I'm jaded? Who knows.
Today was Abbey's first day of Kindergarten and it really put me in a nostalgic mood this afternoon. I thought back to watching her taking her first breaths as she came into our lives, and today, I watch her take her first steps as she walked into the world. Yes, she's only 4, but in the big picture, today was the day when her life really started. I'm so proud of her I could cry! I want to be the sister she looks up to, wants to be like, and comes to when she's upset or has boy problems. When she's 16, I'll be her cool 33yr old sister (oh, god) who she knows she can come to. I can only hope that I've been a part of shaping the person that she is becoming, because she's definitely a huge part of the person that I am.
I've been watching Teen Mom on MTV, and as horrible as it sounds, it makes me feel a bit better about my life. Children are blessings in any way, shape or form, but watching these 16-19 year old moms raise babies while they're still children themselves is hard, and I'm glad that I'm not in that position. One girl on the show, I have a lot of respect for. She knew that she and her boyfriend couldn't provide a proper life for her child and chose to give her up for adoption to a family that could. At that young of an age, it'd be an option that I'd explore, but right now, at this point in my life, I'm not sure that I could give my baby up for adoption. Financially, it would be hard, but the support I'd have as an adult (including having a job, and my own transportation) is exponentially different than what I'd have had at 16 or 17. Now, this isn't saying that I want children any time soon, nooooo thank-you, but on the hypothetical, I would step up and be the best mother for my child. I'd have no reason not to.
I guess that's a good opportunity to ask for opinions on that. Would you keep a child that you, in your heart knew that you couldn't care properly for, or would you chose to give your baby a better life with an adoptive family who is completely ready for children?
I went to college, I got a great job, bought myself a great car and have been (for the most part - thanks for helping sometimes, mommy and grammie ;p) supporting myself. Just because I'm not living on my own, doesn't mean I'm not independent, and just because I don't have a ring on my finger, doesn't mean that I can't have meaningful relationships. Would I like to have my own place? Absolutely. Do I want a ring on my finger? Debatable, but the thought is nice for a girl once in a while. I AM doing well for myself, I just need to keep that in mind because I easily feel...like a leech sometimes. I'm 21 years old, I shouldn't have such high expectations for myself...or should I? I can't express enough how much I want to be out on my own, settle down with an amazing man and build my family, but at 21, is that really and truly attainable? I see so many people I graduated with having babies, getting married, buying houses and I think to myself, "why are you in such a rush?" Being a mother and a wife is something I need to do in the future. I feel like it's my calling. But right now, I still have so much to learn about MYSELF to think about that stuff. I hope life works out for these past classmates (and even family), but it's hard for me to grasp how it will at such a young age. Maybe I'm jaded? Who knows.
Today was Abbey's first day of Kindergarten and it really put me in a nostalgic mood this afternoon. I thought back to watching her taking her first breaths as she came into our lives, and today, I watch her take her first steps as she walked into the world. Yes, she's only 4, but in the big picture, today was the day when her life really started. I'm so proud of her I could cry! I want to be the sister she looks up to, wants to be like, and comes to when she's upset or has boy problems. When she's 16, I'll be her cool 33yr old sister (oh, god) who she knows she can come to. I can only hope that I've been a part of shaping the person that she is becoming, because she's definitely a huge part of the person that I am.
I've been watching Teen Mom on MTV, and as horrible as it sounds, it makes me feel a bit better about my life. Children are blessings in any way, shape or form, but watching these 16-19 year old moms raise babies while they're still children themselves is hard, and I'm glad that I'm not in that position. One girl on the show, I have a lot of respect for. She knew that she and her boyfriend couldn't provide a proper life for her child and chose to give her up for adoption to a family that could. At that young of an age, it'd be an option that I'd explore, but right now, at this point in my life, I'm not sure that I could give my baby up for adoption. Financially, it would be hard, but the support I'd have as an adult (including having a job, and my own transportation) is exponentially different than what I'd have had at 16 or 17. Now, this isn't saying that I want children any time soon, nooooo thank-you, but on the hypothetical, I would step up and be the best mother for my child. I'd have no reason not to.
I guess that's a good opportunity to ask for opinions on that. Would you keep a child that you, in your heart knew that you couldn't care properly for, or would you chose to give your baby a better life with an adoptive family who is completely ready for children?
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Days 13-18 - Lack of Motivation and Being Sick
I fell into a rut with my last blog, and I really don't want that to happen with this one. I think I need this to keep my focus on bettering my life. Sabrina, I know you read this, so GET ON MY CASE when I don't blog haha. If anyone else reads, please do the same.
I've been in another bout of throat infection the last few days. I can't even tell you how many times I've had to be on antibiotics for my throat in the last year. It's actually getting really ridiculous. I can't keep missing work because of it. I really just want to get my tonsils taken out and be done with all of this, but apparently you have to have 6 positive throat swabs in a year for a doctor to be willing to remove tonsils. Why?! I don't understand that.
I've been spending a lot of time with Jay too. I have a lot of fun with him, and I don't think I've laughed so much in a while. It's a welcome change, that's for sure. I'm really looking forward to seeing where things go with us. I've been let down a few times, so part of me is being a bit reserved just out of...instinct? Regardless, I think things will be really good with him. I'm tired of seeing and experiencing relationships that don't have a whole lot of meaning. I need this to be different so I don't become too jaded.
I had a bit of a scare tonight while driving, that's not only made me really on edge, but has also made me think about safe driving.
I was stopped at a red light on 180th and #10 hwy. There was an SUV in front of me (who I'd met at a stop sign a few streets before and let turn in front of me) waiting to go straight. This silver hatchback was just flying down #10. His light turned amber and he wasn't slowing down. Turned red and he still wasn't slowing down. At that point, I grabbed my phone ready to call 911 in case there was an accident. So my light turned green and the SUV started going into the intersection. My stomach clenched into the biggest ball. The hatchback would have completely demolished that SUV (he was going at least 90-100km/hr) if he'd started going straight just a second sooner. After the car sped through the red, the SUV just stopped in the intersection. I made sure he was fine and went on my way. I'm so on edge right now. For a couple seconds, I honestly thought I was going to see someone die.
I'm not a reckless driver by any means, but there's been times where I could have stopped, but didn't, or did go too far over the speed limit. I don't want my life to be taken by something so easily preventable, and I couldn't live with myself if I took someone else life because of an accident that didn't have to happen.
I'm going to remember tonight any time I think I can make that amber light, or anytime I look down and see myself going faster than I should. I can't afford not to.
I need to start going back to the gym too. I can't get enough motivation with working out at home. I want to FEEL gorgeous and not just hear people tell me that I am.
Goodnight, everyone.
I've been in another bout of throat infection the last few days. I can't even tell you how many times I've had to be on antibiotics for my throat in the last year. It's actually getting really ridiculous. I can't keep missing work because of it. I really just want to get my tonsils taken out and be done with all of this, but apparently you have to have 6 positive throat swabs in a year for a doctor to be willing to remove tonsils. Why?! I don't understand that.
I've been spending a lot of time with Jay too. I have a lot of fun with him, and I don't think I've laughed so much in a while. It's a welcome change, that's for sure. I'm really looking forward to seeing where things go with us. I've been let down a few times, so part of me is being a bit reserved just out of...instinct? Regardless, I think things will be really good with him. I'm tired of seeing and experiencing relationships that don't have a whole lot of meaning. I need this to be different so I don't become too jaded.
I had a bit of a scare tonight while driving, that's not only made me really on edge, but has also made me think about safe driving.
I was stopped at a red light on 180th and #10 hwy. There was an SUV in front of me (who I'd met at a stop sign a few streets before and let turn in front of me) waiting to go straight. This silver hatchback was just flying down #10. His light turned amber and he wasn't slowing down. Turned red and he still wasn't slowing down. At that point, I grabbed my phone ready to call 911 in case there was an accident. So my light turned green and the SUV started going into the intersection. My stomach clenched into the biggest ball. The hatchback would have completely demolished that SUV (he was going at least 90-100km/hr) if he'd started going straight just a second sooner. After the car sped through the red, the SUV just stopped in the intersection. I made sure he was fine and went on my way. I'm so on edge right now. For a couple seconds, I honestly thought I was going to see someone die.
I'm not a reckless driver by any means, but there's been times where I could have stopped, but didn't, or did go too far over the speed limit. I don't want my life to be taken by something so easily preventable, and I couldn't live with myself if I took someone else life because of an accident that didn't have to happen.
I'm going to remember tonight any time I think I can make that amber light, or anytime I look down and see myself going faster than I should. I can't afford not to.
I need to start going back to the gym too. I can't get enough motivation with working out at home. I want to FEEL gorgeous and not just hear people tell me that I am.
Goodnight, everyone.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Days 10-12 - Blissful distractions
So it's absolutely true that greatness comes when you're not really looking for it.
I can now share this journey of mine with someone. I know 100% that he'll be supportive of me finding balance, and I'm looking forward to sharing it with him. I can finally say that I've had an incredibly romantic first kiss.The butterflies make me feel like I'm a 16yr old giddy school girl. Amazing :)
I apologize to Sabz for not giving her any reading material for the last couple nights haha.
I've been spending time with my special someone, but work has also kept me away from blogging the last couple nights. Tonight was especially exhausting. At one point, I had 4 residents calling out for me. One wanting to go to bed, one needing to use the washroom, another telling me he was lost and the last gentleman up in a sling with me getting him ready for bed. I felt like I was being pulled in every direction possible and it was actually really overwhelming. I kept telling myself to breathe and do one thing at a time, but in turn, that made me feel guilty for not being able to help everyone at the same time. I guess this is where I'll have to learn to divide myself equally between all the ladies and gents that I care for at work.
I've been thinking about taking a vacation...maybe not even TO any place in particular, but rather just using a week or 2 of my vacation time and just RELAXING. I feel an impending burnout and it'll suck big time.
I think I'd like to take a few days and maybe go to Victoria, or maybe drive north a bit and hit up the okanagan? Endless possibilities! Open to suggestions!
I can now share this journey of mine with someone. I know 100% that he'll be supportive of me finding balance, and I'm looking forward to sharing it with him. I can finally say that I've had an incredibly romantic first kiss.The butterflies make me feel like I'm a 16yr old giddy school girl. Amazing :)
I apologize to Sabz for not giving her any reading material for the last couple nights haha.
I've been spending time with my special someone, but work has also kept me away from blogging the last couple nights. Tonight was especially exhausting. At one point, I had 4 residents calling out for me. One wanting to go to bed, one needing to use the washroom, another telling me he was lost and the last gentleman up in a sling with me getting him ready for bed. I felt like I was being pulled in every direction possible and it was actually really overwhelming. I kept telling myself to breathe and do one thing at a time, but in turn, that made me feel guilty for not being able to help everyone at the same time. I guess this is where I'll have to learn to divide myself equally between all the ladies and gents that I care for at work.
I've been thinking about taking a vacation...maybe not even TO any place in particular, but rather just using a week or 2 of my vacation time and just RELAXING. I feel an impending burnout and it'll suck big time.
I think I'd like to take a few days and maybe go to Victoria, or maybe drive north a bit and hit up the okanagan? Endless possibilities! Open to suggestions!
Friday, August 27, 2010
Day 9 - The one thing...
that I could always use, no matter what...is SLEEP!
So, on account of me not getting much of said sleep last night, and the fact that I have to get up in less than 7 hours, I am going to make this incredibly short and say one thing to whoever is reading this right now.
Goodnight!!
So, on account of me not getting much of said sleep last night, and the fact that I have to get up in less than 7 hours, I am going to make this incredibly short and say one thing to whoever is reading this right now.
Goodnight!!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Day 8 - Relaxation
I've had the last 3 days off work. It was desperately needed, I'll tell you that much!
I did some cleaning therapy, some extra sleep therapy and today, I can proudly say that other than filling my car with gas and buying myself a bottle of Yellow Tail Shiraz, I did absolutely nothing.
I had dinner, got myself into a nice hot bath with a glass of red wine and my book "Eat Pray Love."
Didn't get too far...35 pages to be exact, but I'm already in love with the author's wit and sense of humor. I have a feeling that I'll really enjoy this book.
After reading a few paragraphs that caught my attention, I decided to hunt down my ever trusty pink highlighter and highlight all of the lines and quotes that moved me...just so I can flip back later and read them again. Maybe they'll bring new insight to me every time I read them over. One can hope :)
Something about being in my own quiet space, with a glass of wine, a thunderstorm in the background and reading a good book (some good phone conversation in between) put me in a fabulous mood. After I finish typing my little blurb for the day, I'm going to curl up with my dog, and fall asleep listening to nature's greatest power. When my alarm clock goes off at 5am, I will try extremely hard to not grumble haha. Tomorrow will be a good day!
I did some cleaning therapy, some extra sleep therapy and today, I can proudly say that other than filling my car with gas and buying myself a bottle of Yellow Tail Shiraz, I did absolutely nothing.
I had dinner, got myself into a nice hot bath with a glass of red wine and my book "Eat Pray Love."
Didn't get too far...35 pages to be exact, but I'm already in love with the author's wit and sense of humor. I have a feeling that I'll really enjoy this book.
After reading a few paragraphs that caught my attention, I decided to hunt down my ever trusty pink highlighter and highlight all of the lines and quotes that moved me...just so I can flip back later and read them again. Maybe they'll bring new insight to me every time I read them over. One can hope :)
Something about being in my own quiet space, with a glass of wine, a thunderstorm in the background and reading a good book (some good phone conversation in between) put me in a fabulous mood. After I finish typing my little blurb for the day, I'm going to curl up with my dog, and fall asleep listening to nature's greatest power. When my alarm clock goes off at 5am, I will try extremely hard to not grumble haha. Tomorrow will be a good day!
Day 7 - Realization
The last few days haven't been particularly insightful. I've been more so getting my thoughts put together and sorting out the things that need to be sorted out before I consume myself in this new life I'll be building for myself.
Tonight, though, I realized something that I will cherish from this day forward.
I've been so preoccupied with finding someone to love, that I haven't really acknowledged those who love ME. I have such great friends who care about me and want me to be happy, I have family that would take a bullet for me and yes, I have pets who greet me at the door with tail wags and excited barks.
As I'm sure a lot of you know, I have a sister who I love to bits. She's 4 yrs old and she's my world. I can't tell you how much that girl improves my life in so many ways. She can make me laugh when I'm upset and she can make me smile when all I can think of doing is frown.
I have been busy lately and haven't been up to see her in almost 2 weeks. I've seriously missed her, so earlier tonight, I got in my car, drove to my moms and spent some quality time with her and my brother. After a few hours, I reluctantly told her that I had to go. Of course, she asks if she can come spend the night with me at my house. I'd originally said no because my mom had told me that her and my stepdad are taking them to the PNE early in the morning.
She did something after I said no, though, that made me feel truly loved. She hugged me and said "but I want to stay with you." I of course "awwww'd" at this, but was shocked when I went to give her a kiss goodbye and she turned her head away. I looked into her face and she had been quietly crying, tears were rolling down her cheeks and she didn't want me to see. Right then and there, I told her to get her shoes and packed her into the car.
Right now, she's laying in bed beside me, snuggled into my side sleeping peacefully (after quite a while of "Meesa, I'm thirsty'...."Meesa, it's so hot in here!" haha). Right now, I have a 4 year old sister, who loves me unconditionally, who literally cries at the thought of not being with me. Why do I feel like I need some sort of validation and love from a man? I won't lie, having someone to hold me, kiss me and tickle my back to sleep would be great. I enjoy being someone's partner and making their lives better, but do I need that? Of course not. Do I need my family's love? Absolutely.
If I never hear another "I Love You" from a man, I think I'll be okay. After-all, I have the most amazing little sister who reminds me that she loves me all the time :)
Tonight, though, I realized something that I will cherish from this day forward.
I've been so preoccupied with finding someone to love, that I haven't really acknowledged those who love ME. I have such great friends who care about me and want me to be happy, I have family that would take a bullet for me and yes, I have pets who greet me at the door with tail wags and excited barks.
As I'm sure a lot of you know, I have a sister who I love to bits. She's 4 yrs old and she's my world. I can't tell you how much that girl improves my life in so many ways. She can make me laugh when I'm upset and she can make me smile when all I can think of doing is frown.
I have been busy lately and haven't been up to see her in almost 2 weeks. I've seriously missed her, so earlier tonight, I got in my car, drove to my moms and spent some quality time with her and my brother. After a few hours, I reluctantly told her that I had to go. Of course, she asks if she can come spend the night with me at my house. I'd originally said no because my mom had told me that her and my stepdad are taking them to the PNE early in the morning.
She did something after I said no, though, that made me feel truly loved. She hugged me and said "but I want to stay with you." I of course "awwww'd" at this, but was shocked when I went to give her a kiss goodbye and she turned her head away. I looked into her face and she had been quietly crying, tears were rolling down her cheeks and she didn't want me to see. Right then and there, I told her to get her shoes and packed her into the car.
Right now, she's laying in bed beside me, snuggled into my side sleeping peacefully (after quite a while of "Meesa, I'm thirsty'...."Meesa, it's so hot in here!" haha). Right now, I have a 4 year old sister, who loves me unconditionally, who literally cries at the thought of not being with me. Why do I feel like I need some sort of validation and love from a man? I won't lie, having someone to hold me, kiss me and tickle my back to sleep would be great. I enjoy being someone's partner and making their lives better, but do I need that? Of course not. Do I need my family's love? Absolutely.
If I never hear another "I Love You" from a man, I think I'll be okay. After-all, I have the most amazing little sister who reminds me that she loves me all the time :)
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Day 6 - Double Bummer!
So, about a year and 3 months ago, a good guy friend and I decided to be spontaneous and purchase hot air balloon tickets.
Tomorrow would have been our 5th attempt at actually getting up in the air, but, yet again, the flight got canceled because of poor weather conditions for flying. What was supposed to be a fun, random and exhilarating day, has turned into an "oh, they canceled it again?"
Of course we move on, work out our schedules and book another one, but it's still that let-down you feel when it doesn't happen. Ah well, when it finally happens, it'll be that much better!
On a better note, I went on an absolute cleaning frenzy for about 6 hours today. Pretty well gutted my room, dusted every nook and cranny, washed windows, vacuumed, organized, tidied....it was madness. I don't know what came over me! But now, I can peacefully sit in my extremely clean room, watching my show and talking to friends on msn and not worry about that ever growing stack of clothes that need to be put away lol. I feel
Tomorrow now, I'm not sure what my plans will be. I have 2 more days off, so I plan to make the best of it. Relaxing will definitely be thrown in there somewhere. I really miss Abbey lately too, so I may go have some much needed sister time with her tomorrow.
I'd like to get a good chunk of reading done as well. I've contemplated putting The Secret on hold and starting Eat Pray Love instead. I'm really not sure.
Oh my, I haven't had nothing to do for 2 days in a long time! I kind of like it!!
Tomorrow would have been our 5th attempt at actually getting up in the air, but, yet again, the flight got canceled because of poor weather conditions for flying. What was supposed to be a fun, random and exhilarating day, has turned into an "oh, they canceled it again?"
Of course we move on, work out our schedules and book another one, but it's still that let-down you feel when it doesn't happen. Ah well, when it finally happens, it'll be that much better!
On a better note, I went on an absolute cleaning frenzy for about 6 hours today. Pretty well gutted my room, dusted every nook and cranny, washed windows, vacuumed, organized, tidied....it was madness. I don't know what came over me! But now, I can peacefully sit in my extremely clean room, watching my show and talking to friends on msn and not worry about that ever growing stack of clothes that need to be put away lol. I feel
Tomorrow now, I'm not sure what my plans will be. I have 2 more days off, so I plan to make the best of it. Relaxing will definitely be thrown in there somewhere. I really miss Abbey lately too, so I may go have some much needed sister time with her tomorrow.
I'd like to get a good chunk of reading done as well. I've contemplated putting The Secret on hold and starting Eat Pray Love instead. I'm really not sure.
Oh my, I haven't had nothing to do for 2 days in a long time! I kind of like it!!
Monday, August 23, 2010
Day 5 - Life's Bummers
Alright, so aside from learning how to be more productive with my time, I've learned today that I need to figure out a way to deal with the disappointments that life throws my way in a more...embracing way.
I will admit that I've grown a lot in this respect in the last few years. Deep down, I know that there isn't any good reason to be depressed or mopey about the things that don't go how I'd have liked them to. However, that still doesn't take the sting of disappointment away. Not by a long shot. In some strange way, I think I ENJOY feeling the sting of disappointment...maybe because it reassures me that I'm still a normal human being? Who knows. I've always known that I let myself "fall" for people, or develop feelings for people far too easily. It's been the root of quite a few hermit-like days, that's for sure. This time, it feels different. I'm upset, yes, I've let out a few little tears, yes, but not because things didn't "work out" (at least that's not the full reason), but more so because I know that this person is in a tough time and I want so badly to be there and help. I let myself develop feelings for someone knowing full-well that I wasn't in a relationship and that things may in fact not work out. That's nobody's fault but my own.
I will get over whatever I need to get over, and I'll move on and be happy. I just got too excited about someone starting to breaking my wall down. I always cherish times I've had with people, no matter if they were good or bad times...because I end up learning from it all in one way or another. I can't hold a grudge, not in the least. I just wish I'd have been a bit more reserved and less...free spirited? Who knows. I'm a grown up, I'll live :)
I will admit that I've grown a lot in this respect in the last few years. Deep down, I know that there isn't any good reason to be depressed or mopey about the things that don't go how I'd have liked them to. However, that still doesn't take the sting of disappointment away. Not by a long shot. In some strange way, I think I ENJOY feeling the sting of disappointment...maybe because it reassures me that I'm still a normal human being? Who knows. I've always known that I let myself "fall" for people, or develop feelings for people far too easily. It's been the root of quite a few hermit-like days, that's for sure. This time, it feels different. I'm upset, yes, I've let out a few little tears, yes, but not because things didn't "work out" (at least that's not the full reason), but more so because I know that this person is in a tough time and I want so badly to be there and help. I let myself develop feelings for someone knowing full-well that I wasn't in a relationship and that things may in fact not work out. That's nobody's fault but my own.
I will get over whatever I need to get over, and I'll move on and be happy. I just got too excited about someone starting to breaking my wall down. I always cherish times I've had with people, no matter if they were good or bad times...because I end up learning from it all in one way or another. I can't hold a grudge, not in the least. I just wish I'd have been a bit more reserved and less...free spirited? Who knows. I'm a grown up, I'll live :)
Day 4 - Better Use Of Time
This is something I've been thinking about today. I need to figure out how to make better use of the time that I have when I'm not working. I need to be PRODUCTIVE!
Generally, I don't do a whole lot. I'll hang out with friends here and there, but for the most part, I'm at home, either sleeping, reading, puttering around on the computer or going on some random drive...which gets me lost and with half of my gas gone haha.
I really need to factor some work outs in my day. I can't stand feeling unhealthy or unattractive. I think getting back into the gym will do wonders for my confidence and self-esteem. It did just that last year, and I miss the feeling I'd get after an intense workout.
Budgeting too. Oh lord help my bank account lately. It's terrible.
I need to stop spending money on little frills and unnecessary things!!
I think I may start by making myself a schedule. Implementing times for everything may help me. I tend to follow set schedules very well. Then I need to make myself a financial plan. YIKES!
Any tips or advice is welcome!
Generally, I don't do a whole lot. I'll hang out with friends here and there, but for the most part, I'm at home, either sleeping, reading, puttering around on the computer or going on some random drive...which gets me lost and with half of my gas gone haha.
I really need to factor some work outs in my day. I can't stand feeling unhealthy or unattractive. I think getting back into the gym will do wonders for my confidence and self-esteem. It did just that last year, and I miss the feeling I'd get after an intense workout.
Budgeting too. Oh lord help my bank account lately. It's terrible.
I need to stop spending money on little frills and unnecessary things!!
I think I may start by making myself a schedule. Implementing times for everything may help me. I tend to follow set schedules very well. Then I need to make myself a financial plan. YIKES!
Any tips or advice is welcome!
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Day 3 - Much Needed Fun
Alright, so, the last while, I've had a semi-difficult time just forgetting all of my stress or frustrations. Tonight, though, was a much different story.
Months ago, I started a "What's Coming Up?" list for myself. First, it was my 21st birthday, which was great. Time spent with family is never under appreciated. Next up was The Lion King musical in downtown Vancouver. It was incredible. One of my favourite disney movies made into real life. I couldn't have asked for a better show. Then came the Backstreet Boys concert. Having been a BSB fan since I was a tyke, I completely enjoyed seeing them....maybe for the 4th time haha. The thing with all of these events was that afterward, even though I had great times, reality hit me again, and I was right back at being stressed and letting the "ugh, I have to do this tomorrow" and the "when was that payment due again?" permeate my brain as soon as I walked out the doors.
Tonight, though, was the conclusion of my summer event list. I went to see Michael Bublé with a co-worker. I have been so excited about it and I was not let down by a long shot. I had a great dinner downtown with a friend, I had a blast jiving with Bublé's opening act, and finally, when it came time for Michael to get on stage, I was in awe. His voice is so raw and powerful. All of my frustrations, annoyances and stress just fell away. I feel pride in the fact that a man so talented has come from this great city. I was almost misty eyed at some points seeing how much emotion he puts into his singing.
The concert ended almost 4 hours ago, and I'm still awestruck at what I saw tonight. It's rare that I'm this speechless about something, but I'm glad I am. Sometimes it's better to not use any words.
Months ago, I started a "What's Coming Up?" list for myself. First, it was my 21st birthday, which was great. Time spent with family is never under appreciated. Next up was The Lion King musical in downtown Vancouver. It was incredible. One of my favourite disney movies made into real life. I couldn't have asked for a better show. Then came the Backstreet Boys concert. Having been a BSB fan since I was a tyke, I completely enjoyed seeing them....maybe for the 4th time haha. The thing with all of these events was that afterward, even though I had great times, reality hit me again, and I was right back at being stressed and letting the "ugh, I have to do this tomorrow" and the "when was that payment due again?" permeate my brain as soon as I walked out the doors.
Tonight, though, was the conclusion of my summer event list. I went to see Michael Bublé with a co-worker. I have been so excited about it and I was not let down by a long shot. I had a great dinner downtown with a friend, I had a blast jiving with Bublé's opening act, and finally, when it came time for Michael to get on stage, I was in awe. His voice is so raw and powerful. All of my frustrations, annoyances and stress just fell away. I feel pride in the fact that a man so talented has come from this great city. I was almost misty eyed at some points seeing how much emotion he puts into his singing.
The concert ended almost 4 hours ago, and I'm still awestruck at what I saw tonight. It's rare that I'm this speechless about something, but I'm glad I am. Sometimes it's better to not use any words.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Day 2 - Taking Action
Today was like any other day. I got up for work at 5am (reluctantly, I might add. I am not a morning person), got dressed, got in my car and drove the 5 minutes to work. Of course there was a Timmy's run thrown in there too.
I didn't feel any more content waking up than I have lately (could be the terrible sleep I had), but as the day progressed, I made the conscious effort to not let myself think negative thoughts. When I was running behind schedule getting residents up, I paced myself and got the job done. After all, eating breakfast 10 minutes late isn't going to affect anyone. When the mechanic who changed the oil in my car told me that my transmission pan had a leak in it, instead of stressing out and thinking about how I'd have to dish out money on repairs, I thought "it's a car, it's going to need repairs." Granted, nobody REALLY wants to drop money on car repairs haha.
I didn't get the chance to continue my reading tonight, but overall, I feel like I took a small step in the right direction.
When all is said and done, I'd like to look back on this blog and read entries from each day, seeing how far I've come and how much my life has changed through time. Like today, though, I'm sure there will be days when I don't have much to say.
I can say, though, that I am going crazy without hockey to watch on TV.
GOODNIGHT, WORLD!
I didn't feel any more content waking up than I have lately (could be the terrible sleep I had), but as the day progressed, I made the conscious effort to not let myself think negative thoughts. When I was running behind schedule getting residents up, I paced myself and got the job done. After all, eating breakfast 10 minutes late isn't going to affect anyone. When the mechanic who changed the oil in my car told me that my transmission pan had a leak in it, instead of stressing out and thinking about how I'd have to dish out money on repairs, I thought "it's a car, it's going to need repairs." Granted, nobody REALLY wants to drop money on car repairs haha.
I didn't get the chance to continue my reading tonight, but overall, I feel like I took a small step in the right direction.
When all is said and done, I'd like to look back on this blog and read entries from each day, seeing how far I've come and how much my life has changed through time. Like today, though, I'm sure there will be days when I don't have much to say.
I can say, though, that I am going crazy without hockey to watch on TV.
GOODNIGHT, WORLD!
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Day 1 - My Life Changes Today
2 years ago, I was single (and had been for a while), I'd just finished my RCA program and was working in health care, essentially making minimum wage. I didn't have my license, didn't have a car and by all standards, I should have been an angst riddled 19 year old girl.
On the contrary, I was the happiest I've ever been. I didn't need a man to validate my purpose in life, I didn't need a lot of money and anywhere that I needed to go was within walking distance or I had friends and family willing to chauffeur me around haha. My first long-term relationship had ended almost 2 years earlier and I'd taken that 2 years to get to know myself, figure out what I wanted and who I wanted to be. I was constantly in amazing spirits, and didn't fathom how people could look at a glass as half empty rather than half full.
Then just over a year ago, at the peak of my happiness, at the point where I'd told myself "I love my life," I met someone who seemingly swept me off my feet. I let myself fall hard, and fall fast. In the process, I'd lost touch with who I was. I didn't feel connected with myself anymore and was disappointed that I'd let myself forget all the progress I had made within me. I brushed those thoughts off in hopes that I'd found my prince. Good luck, right, Melissa? Exactly. Like all rushed relationships, it crashed, burned and faded away into a grudge holding needle in my side for a while. Live and learn.
Fast forward to today. I am a 21 year old woman, yes, still single, but with a well paying job, my license, a great car and amazing people to surround myself with. I should be happy, right? Well, in comparison to my life 2 years ago, I'm not. Don't get me wrong, though...I have people in my life who make me happy every day and I have people who I'd like to build meaningful relationships with, but the honest truth is that it may not happen. Usually, I'd be really bummed at the thought of this, but I just can't be. In the big picture, if things don't work out how I'd like, I need to embrace the experience and move on as a stronger woman.
1 week ago, a movie titled "Eat Pray Love" came to theatres, and yesterday, I took myself to go see it. Sitting on my own, in an auditorium full of middle-aged women in groups gossiping about their latest arguments with their husbands or boyfriends, I told myself that I would sit and soak up every possible bit of enlightenment that I could find within this movie.
I was in awe by the time the credits were rolling up the screen. I got in my car, turned my stereo off and drove home in silence, thinking about the amazing film I'd just watched. During that drive, I made the decision to change every aspect of my life. My family dynamic, my relationships, my job and my health. I made the decision to change my outlook on life, love and my pursuit of happiness. I will learn to treat every experience, every lost hope and every disappointment as a lesson; every person I meet, every man I care about as a stepping stone to something greater. I will learn to embrace pain and welcome my fear of uncertainty with open arms. I will also learn to control my life and my thoughts.
My short term goal in all of this is to get myself back to the place I was at 2 years ago. My long term goal is to marvel at my life. I want that zest and appetite for life that Liz talked about in the movie. I want to be balanced and in a permanent state of contentment.
I went to Chapters today and bought myself four books.
"The Secret" by Rhonda Byrne
"The Power" by Rhonda Byrne
"The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle
and of course, "Eat Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert
I hope these books will begin to guide me into the life that I desire for myself. You lucky people (whoever you may be) get the privilege of reading my rambles and living vicariously through my pain, my happiness and the challenges that I will face in making my life my sanctuary.
I am the Master of my fate. I am the Captain of my soul.
On the contrary, I was the happiest I've ever been. I didn't need a man to validate my purpose in life, I didn't need a lot of money and anywhere that I needed to go was within walking distance or I had friends and family willing to chauffeur me around haha. My first long-term relationship had ended almost 2 years earlier and I'd taken that 2 years to get to know myself, figure out what I wanted and who I wanted to be. I was constantly in amazing spirits, and didn't fathom how people could look at a glass as half empty rather than half full.
Then just over a year ago, at the peak of my happiness, at the point where I'd told myself "I love my life," I met someone who seemingly swept me off my feet. I let myself fall hard, and fall fast. In the process, I'd lost touch with who I was. I didn't feel connected with myself anymore and was disappointed that I'd let myself forget all the progress I had made within me. I brushed those thoughts off in hopes that I'd found my prince. Good luck, right, Melissa? Exactly. Like all rushed relationships, it crashed, burned and faded away into a grudge holding needle in my side for a while. Live and learn.
Fast forward to today. I am a 21 year old woman, yes, still single, but with a well paying job, my license, a great car and amazing people to surround myself with. I should be happy, right? Well, in comparison to my life 2 years ago, I'm not. Don't get me wrong, though...I have people in my life who make me happy every day and I have people who I'd like to build meaningful relationships with, but the honest truth is that it may not happen. Usually, I'd be really bummed at the thought of this, but I just can't be. In the big picture, if things don't work out how I'd like, I need to embrace the experience and move on as a stronger woman.
1 week ago, a movie titled "Eat Pray Love" came to theatres, and yesterday, I took myself to go see it. Sitting on my own, in an auditorium full of middle-aged women in groups gossiping about their latest arguments with their husbands or boyfriends, I told myself that I would sit and soak up every possible bit of enlightenment that I could find within this movie.
I was in awe by the time the credits were rolling up the screen. I got in my car, turned my stereo off and drove home in silence, thinking about the amazing film I'd just watched. During that drive, I made the decision to change every aspect of my life. My family dynamic, my relationships, my job and my health. I made the decision to change my outlook on life, love and my pursuit of happiness. I will learn to treat every experience, every lost hope and every disappointment as a lesson; every person I meet, every man I care about as a stepping stone to something greater. I will learn to embrace pain and welcome my fear of uncertainty with open arms. I will also learn to control my life and my thoughts.
My short term goal in all of this is to get myself back to the place I was at 2 years ago. My long term goal is to marvel at my life. I want that zest and appetite for life that Liz talked about in the movie. I want to be balanced and in a permanent state of contentment.
I went to Chapters today and bought myself four books.
"The Secret" by Rhonda Byrne
"The Power" by Rhonda Byrne
"The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle
and of course, "Eat Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert
I hope these books will begin to guide me into the life that I desire for myself. You lucky people (whoever you may be) get the privilege of reading my rambles and living vicariously through my pain, my happiness and the challenges that I will face in making my life my sanctuary.
I am the Master of my fate. I am the Captain of my soul.
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