I haven't blogged or wrote in a journal in a pretty long time. I think it might help me out to start.
Lately, my emotions and my ability to deal with them in a healthy way have been lacking and it affects my relationships. I try to blame it on being stressed and all that jazz, but really, there's no excuse.
A lot of things in my head are really scrambled and I'd love to find a way to process it all. Crossing my fingers that blogging helps, even in the smallest of ways. I know I felt great when I blogged frequently in the past.
Cheers.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Days 123-171 - Just for you, Steph
So, Steph has been on my case (rightly so!) about posting another blog, so as I sat here tonight, doing nothing, I figured what the heck! So here goes!
A month and a half has passed, and life, although seemingly busier, is just as dull (for the most part) as the last time I posted.
Nothing new has happened, really. Life is life. And aside from the fact that I'm an Auntie to a beautiful baby girl now, everything is just the same. Still single (though, I have a date that I'm pretty confident about next week), still working, still keeping in touch with friends.
My niece, Sophia was born on December 29th, 2010 @ 3:06pm. She weighed 6lbs 13oz. She's so alert these days and starting to crack actual smiles and coo-ing more. I love it. Trina and my aunt had baby girls recently as well. Trina had Mina on December 23rd and my aunt had Paitynn on January 20th. 3 girls born all in less than a month. It has made my baby fever go absolutely wild. The twinges I get when I hold such a pure little being are almost unbearable. I know that I'm not in the right spot in my life to be reproducing, but damn, I'd have a baby so fast if I could.
I took my 2 weeks holiday at the end of December. I didn't really slow down much as there were errands to do all over the place, but it was a nice break from work. Getting back on shift was nuts, though. There's definitely no "ease in" back into my job. 3pm rolls around, shift report gets done and I'm right back at being pulled 18 different ways. Almost a bit overwhelming at times. I just finished my "friday" and so I'm off for the next 3 days. I definitely want to relax. But lord knows I say that every weekend.
We actually had an incident at work a couple weeks ago, where one of my residents literally DIED, and was flat lined for a good 3-4 mins when he came back to life with an incredibly loud gasp of air. I nearly cried, and thinking about it still gives me the creeps. He lived for another 2 or so weeks, but has since passed. I've never in my life seen something like that. It just goes to show how amazing our bodies are and what we can withstand.
I'm getting my hair done tomorrow at 12:30 and I'm still so stuck on what I want to do with it. I'm pretty sure I'll get an inch or two cut off, add some layers, some bangs and a few chunky streaks thrown in. But who knows. It's been SO long since I've gone to get my hair done, so I'm just excited about sitting in a chair for 2 hours and having someone do it for me haha.
Like I said, I'm still rocking the single life. I've been fortunate and have had a few good dates the last little while, but nothing substantial has come out of it. I'm not complaining, because my life is quite fulfilling, but it's getting increasingly lame to not have anyone to share it with. I have a date coming up in the next week or so, and I really feel like throwing all my eggs (proverbial, that is) into one basket with it, but at the same time, I've done that in the past and it hasn't gotten me far. I'm already far more open and comfortable with this person than I have been with people who I've been on 3-4 dates with, so it's started out pretty well. I have butterflies and all that cheesy female stuff haha. I don't think it'll be a bust :)
I need to get my oil changed in my car. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow. Hmm.
As for now, though, I'm getting pretty tired. Going to try and get a good sleep so I can get up early and figure out what the hell to do with my hair lol!
GOODNIGHT, STEPH!!
A month and a half has passed, and life, although seemingly busier, is just as dull (for the most part) as the last time I posted.
Nothing new has happened, really. Life is life. And aside from the fact that I'm an Auntie to a beautiful baby girl now, everything is just the same. Still single (though, I have a date that I'm pretty confident about next week), still working, still keeping in touch with friends.
My niece, Sophia was born on December 29th, 2010 @ 3:06pm. She weighed 6lbs 13oz. She's so alert these days and starting to crack actual smiles and coo-ing more. I love it. Trina and my aunt had baby girls recently as well. Trina had Mina on December 23rd and my aunt had Paitynn on January 20th. 3 girls born all in less than a month. It has made my baby fever go absolutely wild. The twinges I get when I hold such a pure little being are almost unbearable. I know that I'm not in the right spot in my life to be reproducing, but damn, I'd have a baby so fast if I could.
I took my 2 weeks holiday at the end of December. I didn't really slow down much as there were errands to do all over the place, but it was a nice break from work. Getting back on shift was nuts, though. There's definitely no "ease in" back into my job. 3pm rolls around, shift report gets done and I'm right back at being pulled 18 different ways. Almost a bit overwhelming at times. I just finished my "friday" and so I'm off for the next 3 days. I definitely want to relax. But lord knows I say that every weekend.
We actually had an incident at work a couple weeks ago, where one of my residents literally DIED, and was flat lined for a good 3-4 mins when he came back to life with an incredibly loud gasp of air. I nearly cried, and thinking about it still gives me the creeps. He lived for another 2 or so weeks, but has since passed. I've never in my life seen something like that. It just goes to show how amazing our bodies are and what we can withstand.
I'm getting my hair done tomorrow at 12:30 and I'm still so stuck on what I want to do with it. I'm pretty sure I'll get an inch or two cut off, add some layers, some bangs and a few chunky streaks thrown in. But who knows. It's been SO long since I've gone to get my hair done, so I'm just excited about sitting in a chair for 2 hours and having someone do it for me haha.
Like I said, I'm still rocking the single life. I've been fortunate and have had a few good dates the last little while, but nothing substantial has come out of it. I'm not complaining, because my life is quite fulfilling, but it's getting increasingly lame to not have anyone to share it with. I have a date coming up in the next week or so, and I really feel like throwing all my eggs (proverbial, that is) into one basket with it, but at the same time, I've done that in the past and it hasn't gotten me far. I'm already far more open and comfortable with this person than I have been with people who I've been on 3-4 dates with, so it's started out pretty well. I have butterflies and all that cheesy female stuff haha. I don't think it'll be a bust :)
I need to get my oil changed in my car. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow. Hmm.
As for now, though, I'm getting pretty tired. Going to try and get a good sleep so I can get up early and figure out what the hell to do with my hair lol!
GOODNIGHT, STEPH!!
Friday, December 17, 2010
Days 93 - 122 - Nothing is new or inspiring, I swear!
So, my dear friends are doing a great job at getting on my case about not blogging in here.
I honestly put thought into it tonight while I was at work about what I could possibly blog about.
My life is still quite routine and dull, for the most part. I've been having great times at work and have been trying to get all my Christmas shopping done relatively soon, but alas, working evenings makes it a bit hard.
My work has been so great to the staff and residents this year. We had a huge Resident/Family Christmas Party the other night and it was amazing. We had a resident's son dress up as Santa, an entertainer came and our kitchen staff put out the most delicious spread of food. It was such a nice atmosphere.
Tonight was the STAFF Christmas Party. The owners paid for all of the employees to go to this fancy greek restaurant for dinner. I couldn't go because I had to work an evening shift, but the owners made sure to get plates delivered for everyone. It was super nice. We really feel appreciated at Brookside.
I have 3 more shifts to work and then I'm off until January 5th. I go back on Jan. 6th. I'm pretty excited about just relaxing for a good 2 weeks. I should be becoming an auntie any day now, so there's that to look forward to too.
Really, my life is pretty much the same. I'm 100% enrolled into my Psychiatric Nursing program now that Kwantlen has recognized that I have all of the requirements. Countdown to May 2nd start is on :)
Other than that, I've been talking to a really nice guy. I'm hoping to make my way down to Seattkle sometime soon to get together for the day. He seems to have a pretty great sense of humour, so that's a plus! Part of me is always a bit hesitant with new men in my life, solely because I'm so self conscious. Only three people have ever really looked past my lack of barbie-like body and taken the time to get to know me and see what I have to offer in a relationship. It's really quite discouraging. I always go into everything optimistically, but it's just hard when 95% of men you've ever been romantically interested are shallow and would rather have someone that could be blown over with a gust of wind haha. Ah well. I have a lot to offer someone, it just might take time to find that certain person!
I'm going to finish watching Jackass and head to bed haha. I promise, if anything interesting happens in my life, I'll post post post!
GOODNIGHT!!
I honestly put thought into it tonight while I was at work about what I could possibly blog about.
My life is still quite routine and dull, for the most part. I've been having great times at work and have been trying to get all my Christmas shopping done relatively soon, but alas, working evenings makes it a bit hard.
My work has been so great to the staff and residents this year. We had a huge Resident/Family Christmas Party the other night and it was amazing. We had a resident's son dress up as Santa, an entertainer came and our kitchen staff put out the most delicious spread of food. It was such a nice atmosphere.
Tonight was the STAFF Christmas Party. The owners paid for all of the employees to go to this fancy greek restaurant for dinner. I couldn't go because I had to work an evening shift, but the owners made sure to get plates delivered for everyone. It was super nice. We really feel appreciated at Brookside.
I have 3 more shifts to work and then I'm off until January 5th. I go back on Jan. 6th. I'm pretty excited about just relaxing for a good 2 weeks. I should be becoming an auntie any day now, so there's that to look forward to too.
Really, my life is pretty much the same. I'm 100% enrolled into my Psychiatric Nursing program now that Kwantlen has recognized that I have all of the requirements. Countdown to May 2nd start is on :)
Other than that, I've been talking to a really nice guy. I'm hoping to make my way down to Seattkle sometime soon to get together for the day. He seems to have a pretty great sense of humour, so that's a plus! Part of me is always a bit hesitant with new men in my life, solely because I'm so self conscious. Only three people have ever really looked past my lack of barbie-like body and taken the time to get to know me and see what I have to offer in a relationship. It's really quite discouraging. I always go into everything optimistically, but it's just hard when 95% of men you've ever been romantically interested are shallow and would rather have someone that could be blown over with a gust of wind haha. Ah well. I have a lot to offer someone, it just might take time to find that certain person!
I'm going to finish watching Jackass and head to bed haha. I promise, if anything interesting happens in my life, I'll post post post!
GOODNIGHT!!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Days 74-92 - A little change in fortune!
The last month of my life has been absolutely exceptional! So many things have gone RIGHT for me, and I'm enjoying it as much as I can! It won't always be this good. I don't even know where to start, so I guess I'll just write bullets or something!
- Won another free spa party for me and 4 friends. $100 in free beauty product for me!
- Traded my car in for a new 2010 Dodge Charger. Super good deal, and the dealership even gave me money on top of the car price to pay off my credit cards.
- I got a promotion at work. Full-time evenings, 75 cent raise, new wing, new co-workers (amazing ones, I might add)
- Got in touch with my "aunt" on my biological father's side. She seemed happy to have contacted me so here's to hoping I can gain a bit more knowledge about her/them/him...whoever.
- Had a couple dates. Enjoying meeting new people and having good times. I've got a wee bit of a crush, but I won't get ahead of myself on that one.
And...saving the best for last
- I GOT ACCEPTED INTO NURSING SCHOOL!
I can not even explain how happy and relieved I was to get that acceptance letter. I have been waiting for 5 years for this and now it's all coming together. I paid the $300 commitment fee, paid $170 to re-certify myself in first aid/CPR (it's needed as a requirement) and finished that over the weekend. I just need to get my criminal record search done in the next day or 2 and then get my doctor to sign my immunizations form on the 25th and I'll be 100% in the program. I start on May 2nd. The only thing I'm somewhat stressed about is the money. There's no way I can work full-time and go to school full-time, so I'll need to find some sort of balance...and apply for student loans. But right now, I'm not even going to worry about that. I'm just going to enjoy this happy patch for a while!
I'll be becoming an auntie in about a month. I'm still worried for Jess, but I'm sure she'll find her niche as a mom, and we all know that I'm going to be the best aunt, so!
I am lonely when it comes down to it. I'd love to have someone to kiss goodnight or cuddle up with in bed...I miss that, but it's just not in my cards right now, I guess. My life is exponentially better than others' and I feel ashamed to complain about it sometimes. I know there's the right man for me out there somewhere, I just need to find him. And I will.
I really need to start putting Hakuna Matata to good use! I'm such a worry wart and it really gets me nowhere. Sitting back, relaxing, living a good life and helping others is all I can do. I'll let the rest come to me when it feels like it.
- Won another free spa party for me and 4 friends. $100 in free beauty product for me!
- Traded my car in for a new 2010 Dodge Charger. Super good deal, and the dealership even gave me money on top of the car price to pay off my credit cards.
- I got a promotion at work. Full-time evenings, 75 cent raise, new wing, new co-workers (amazing ones, I might add)
- Got in touch with my "aunt" on my biological father's side. She seemed happy to have contacted me so here's to hoping I can gain a bit more knowledge about her/them/him...whoever.
- Had a couple dates. Enjoying meeting new people and having good times. I've got a wee bit of a crush, but I won't get ahead of myself on that one.
And...saving the best for last
- I GOT ACCEPTED INTO NURSING SCHOOL!
I can not even explain how happy and relieved I was to get that acceptance letter. I have been waiting for 5 years for this and now it's all coming together. I paid the $300 commitment fee, paid $170 to re-certify myself in first aid/CPR (it's needed as a requirement) and finished that over the weekend. I just need to get my criminal record search done in the next day or 2 and then get my doctor to sign my immunizations form on the 25th and I'll be 100% in the program. I start on May 2nd. The only thing I'm somewhat stressed about is the money. There's no way I can work full-time and go to school full-time, so I'll need to find some sort of balance...and apply for student loans. But right now, I'm not even going to worry about that. I'm just going to enjoy this happy patch for a while!
I'll be becoming an auntie in about a month. I'm still worried for Jess, but I'm sure she'll find her niche as a mom, and we all know that I'm going to be the best aunt, so!
I am lonely when it comes down to it. I'd love to have someone to kiss goodnight or cuddle up with in bed...I miss that, but it's just not in my cards right now, I guess. My life is exponentially better than others' and I feel ashamed to complain about it sometimes. I know there's the right man for me out there somewhere, I just need to find him. And I will.
I really need to start putting Hakuna Matata to good use! I'm such a worry wart and it really gets me nowhere. Sitting back, relaxing, living a good life and helping others is all I can do. I'll let the rest come to me when it feels like it.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Days 61-72 - Lacking substance
I'm in such a strange mood tonight.
I have a lump in my throat and I feel as though I could burst into tears at any moment, but I don't know why.
My life has been going so well. I'm being blessed with luck and good fortune, but generally, I've been unhappy. There's something missing in my life. I don't have that zest and passion that I had for so long anymore.
I go to work and put on an amazing facade of happiness, but on my breaks, I sit in my car, alone with my thoughts. Sometimes it's relaxing and sometimes it's torture. I think about how I want my life to be and how hard it has been getting to that point. I'm nowhere near my goal.
I'm so lonely it's incredible, and yet I'm surrounded by such amazing family, friends and coworkers. I don't understand it. *Insert tears here, now* One of the worst feelings is being in a group of people and deep down, feeling like you're alone. God, I'm being such a baby.What is wrong with me!?
If a friend were to come to me with these feelings, I'd ask them straight if they were depressed. I am not depressed. I cherish my life, I have so many things going for me and so many people who love me but as selfish as it is to say, it's not enough. I want more. I want a connection with someone, I want to be able to come home and have someone hug me. I miss closeness...I miss being able to use my sense of touch lovingly so bloody much, it's insane.
Sitting next to someone, feeling their warmth radiating outwards and wanting to just shout out at them to really see me, and not being able to, is the worst feeling. But I'm strong, I have to move past it. I will read this again, maybe tomorrow, maybe next week and shake my head at myself but right now, this is me and this is how I feel.
I am so looking forward to the day where I can stare my future in the eyes and feel so utterly content and at peace with life. I've felt it briefly in the past, but it faded. It's the one thing I'm truly looking forward to.
I'm babbling. I'll stop.
I have a lump in my throat and I feel as though I could burst into tears at any moment, but I don't know why.
My life has been going so well. I'm being blessed with luck and good fortune, but generally, I've been unhappy. There's something missing in my life. I don't have that zest and passion that I had for so long anymore.
I go to work and put on an amazing facade of happiness, but on my breaks, I sit in my car, alone with my thoughts. Sometimes it's relaxing and sometimes it's torture. I think about how I want my life to be and how hard it has been getting to that point. I'm nowhere near my goal.
I'm so lonely it's incredible, and yet I'm surrounded by such amazing family, friends and coworkers. I don't understand it. *Insert tears here, now* One of the worst feelings is being in a group of people and deep down, feeling like you're alone. God, I'm being such a baby.What is wrong with me!?
If a friend were to come to me with these feelings, I'd ask them straight if they were depressed. I am not depressed. I cherish my life, I have so many things going for me and so many people who love me but as selfish as it is to say, it's not enough. I want more. I want a connection with someone, I want to be able to come home and have someone hug me. I miss closeness...I miss being able to use my sense of touch lovingly so bloody much, it's insane.
Sitting next to someone, feeling their warmth radiating outwards and wanting to just shout out at them to really see me, and not being able to, is the worst feeling. But I'm strong, I have to move past it. I will read this again, maybe tomorrow, maybe next week and shake my head at myself but right now, this is me and this is how I feel.
I am so looking forward to the day where I can stare my future in the eyes and feel so utterly content and at peace with life. I've felt it briefly in the past, but it faded. It's the one thing I'm truly looking forward to.
I'm babbling. I'll stop.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Days 49-60 - 2 month mark
Alright, so today is 60 days since I started this blog and my posts have been very sporadic lately. It bums me out knowing that I'm slacking, but I've had such a hard time getting the motivation to write anything in here. I also haven't been reading much at all the last while, so I think that may be part of the reason.
I don't think I've changed much in 2 months, other than the fact that I have realized that I need to trust others' judgments over my own sometimes.
I was lonely and jumped into a relationship, much like a lot of people do. The best idea? probably not, but it was a very temporary "fix" to the loneliness. I will say that he and I had a few fun days, but a couple weeks in, I felt more like an ATM and chauffeur than a girlfriend. Definitely not how a relationship should be, not to mention only 2 weeks in. I was feeling quite used. I've only ever "ended" things with someone once before, so I was quite hesitant at first, even though I knew it was something that I needed to do. I wasn't happy and I found myself thinking about how life would be if I was single or in some amazing relationship. I consulted a couple friends and got the same response from them all. Jay and I were only dating for just over a month, thankfully, but working up the courage to break up was tough. One afternoon, after I'd distanced myself for a few days prior, I decided that now was the time, or I'd just keep putting it off. I hate confrontation. After everything was said and done, he sent me the rudest text I have ever received from someone. I'll paste it here just because I know only a few of you read this, and you're probably curious anyway;
"Whatever, I have other girls. I don't give a fuck. One goes and another one is ready to walk in. I'm glad you brought it up because I didn't want to be with you anyway. All my ex's are hot and skinny. I'm better off with them."
3 hours later after no response from me: "Plus, you were just a tissue that I used and chucked."
Believe it or not, that came from someone who not even a week earlier had told me that he loved me. I am so glad I never said it back to him because those 3 words are something I save for someone who I do truly love. I wasn't emotionally distraught about the breakup, but getting that text made me so upset. I deserve so so much better than that and I am a better person without him in my life. I only hope that I can find someone who I am truly compatible with. Who I can love and share the greatness of life with. I want love, passion and that sparkle in my eye. Not a man who tries to control me and constantly asks me for money. What was I thinking!?
Aside from that lovely drama, I've been really into something called The Myers Briggs test. It's a test of about 70 questions. It evaluates your answers and provides you with one of sixteen personality types. I am an ENFJ. Reading up on my type and talking with other ENFJ people in certain forums really helps me understand myself. I'm glad that someone introduced me to this.
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp
That's the link if anyone wants to figure their type out. Let me know what your type is, if you do! I'm interested!
I booked my holidays at work. Still waiting on the "approval," but I don't think there'll be a problem since I submitted it 3 months in advance. If all goes well, I'll have December 22nd until January 8th off of work. My little niece will hopefully be born in that time frame. I love the holidays and the thought of not spending it with family kind of sucks!
The Canucks NOR the Lions are doing very well right now, but for the NHL, this is just the beginning. I'm not sure if the Lions will make it to the Grey Cup next month. Always next year.
Well, I'm not sure what else to write here. It's 2am and I'm a bit tired. I think I'll finish watching "Rent" on Bravo and hit the sheets. One more day off tomorrow and then back to work Monday-Friday. Good stuff.
Hope everything is well with whoever is reading this!
I don't think I've changed much in 2 months, other than the fact that I have realized that I need to trust others' judgments over my own sometimes.
I was lonely and jumped into a relationship, much like a lot of people do. The best idea? probably not, but it was a very temporary "fix" to the loneliness. I will say that he and I had a few fun days, but a couple weeks in, I felt more like an ATM and chauffeur than a girlfriend. Definitely not how a relationship should be, not to mention only 2 weeks in. I was feeling quite used. I've only ever "ended" things with someone once before, so I was quite hesitant at first, even though I knew it was something that I needed to do. I wasn't happy and I found myself thinking about how life would be if I was single or in some amazing relationship. I consulted a couple friends and got the same response from them all. Jay and I were only dating for just over a month, thankfully, but working up the courage to break up was tough. One afternoon, after I'd distanced myself for a few days prior, I decided that now was the time, or I'd just keep putting it off. I hate confrontation. After everything was said and done, he sent me the rudest text I have ever received from someone. I'll paste it here just because I know only a few of you read this, and you're probably curious anyway;
"Whatever, I have other girls. I don't give a fuck. One goes and another one is ready to walk in. I'm glad you brought it up because I didn't want to be with you anyway. All my ex's are hot and skinny. I'm better off with them."
3 hours later after no response from me: "Plus, you were just a tissue that I used and chucked."
Believe it or not, that came from someone who not even a week earlier had told me that he loved me. I am so glad I never said it back to him because those 3 words are something I save for someone who I do truly love. I wasn't emotionally distraught about the breakup, but getting that text made me so upset. I deserve so so much better than that and I am a better person without him in my life. I only hope that I can find someone who I am truly compatible with. Who I can love and share the greatness of life with. I want love, passion and that sparkle in my eye. Not a man who tries to control me and constantly asks me for money. What was I thinking!?
Aside from that lovely drama, I've been really into something called The Myers Briggs test. It's a test of about 70 questions. It evaluates your answers and provides you with one of sixteen personality types. I am an ENFJ. Reading up on my type and talking with other ENFJ people in certain forums really helps me understand myself. I'm glad that someone introduced me to this.
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp
That's the link if anyone wants to figure their type out. Let me know what your type is, if you do! I'm interested!
I booked my holidays at work. Still waiting on the "approval," but I don't think there'll be a problem since I submitted it 3 months in advance. If all goes well, I'll have December 22nd until January 8th off of work. My little niece will hopefully be born in that time frame. I love the holidays and the thought of not spending it with family kind of sucks!
The Canucks NOR the Lions are doing very well right now, but for the NHL, this is just the beginning. I'm not sure if the Lions will make it to the Grey Cup next month. Always next year.
Well, I'm not sure what else to write here. It's 2am and I'm a bit tired. I think I'll finish watching "Rent" on Bravo and hit the sheets. One more day off tomorrow and then back to work Monday-Friday. Good stuff.
Hope everything is well with whoever is reading this!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)