Days 61-72 - Lacking substance

I'm in such a strange mood tonight.

I have a lump in my throat and I feel as though I could burst into tears at any moment, but I don't know why.

My life has been going so well. I'm being blessed with luck and good fortune, but generally, I've been unhappy. There's something missing in my life. I don't have that zest and passion that I had for so long anymore.

I go to work and put on an amazing facade of happiness, but on my breaks, I sit in my car, alone with my thoughts. Sometimes it's relaxing and sometimes it's torture. I think about how I want my life to be and how hard it has been getting to that point. I'm nowhere near my goal.

I'm so lonely it's incredible, and yet I'm surrounded by such amazing family, friends and coworkers. I don't understand it. *Insert tears here, now* One of the worst feelings is being in a group of people and deep down, feeling like you're alone. God, I'm being such a baby.What is wrong with me!?

If a friend were to come to me with these feelings, I'd ask them straight if they were depressed. I am not depressed. I cherish my life, I have so many things going for me and so many people who love me but as selfish as it is to say, it's not enough. I want more. I want a connection with someone, I want to be able to come home and have someone hug me. I miss closeness...I miss being able to use my sense of touch lovingly so bloody much, it's insane.

Sitting next to someone, feeling their warmth radiating outwards and wanting to just shout out at them to really see me, and not being able to, is the worst feeling. But I'm strong, I have to move past it. I will read this again, maybe tomorrow, maybe next week and shake my head at myself but right now, this is me and this is how I feel.

I am so looking forward to the day where I can stare my future in the eyes and feel so utterly content and at peace with life. I've felt it briefly in the past, but it faded. It's the one thing I'm truly looking forward to.

I'm babbling. I'll stop.