Days 19-21 - One door closes and another opens

A lot of doors have shut for me in the last few years, but I also see that so many more have opened for me. Sometimes I get a little bit down when I look at what has happened in my life, or what I have to show for it since I graduated high school, but I really can't.

I went to college, I got a great job, bought myself a great car and have been (for the most part - thanks for helping sometimes, mommy and grammie ;p) supporting myself. Just because I'm not living on my own, doesn't mean I'm not independent, and just because I don't have a ring on my finger, doesn't mean that I can't have meaningful relationships. Would I like to have my own place? Absolutely. Do I want a ring on my finger? Debatable, but the thought is nice for a girl once in a while. I AM doing well for myself, I just need to keep that in mind because I easily feel...like a leech sometimes. I'm 21 years old, I shouldn't have such high expectations for myself...or should I? I can't express enough how much I want to be out on my own, settle down with an amazing man and build my family, but at 21, is that really and truly attainable? I see so many people I graduated with having babies, getting married, buying houses and I think to myself, "why are you in such a rush?" Being a mother and a wife is something I need to do in the future. I feel like it's my calling. But right now, I still have so much to learn about MYSELF to think about that stuff. I hope life works out for these past classmates (and even family), but it's hard for me to grasp how it will at such a young age. Maybe I'm jaded? Who knows.

Today was Abbey's first day of Kindergarten and it really put me in a nostalgic mood this afternoon. I thought back to watching her taking her first breaths as she came into our lives, and today, I watch her take her first steps as she walked into the world. Yes, she's only 4, but in the big picture, today was the day when her life really started. I'm so proud of her I could cry! I want to be the sister she looks up to, wants to be like, and comes to when she's upset or has boy problems. When she's 16, I'll be her cool 33yr old sister (oh, god) who she knows she can come to. I can only hope that I've been a part of shaping the person that she is becoming, because she's definitely a huge part of the person that I am.

I've been watching Teen Mom on MTV, and as horrible as it sounds, it makes me feel a bit better about my life. Children are blessings in any way, shape or form, but watching these 16-19 year old moms raise babies while they're still children themselves is hard, and I'm glad that I'm not in that position. One girl on the show, I have a lot of respect for. She knew that she and her boyfriend couldn't provide a proper life for her child and chose to give her up for adoption to a family that could. At that young of an age, it'd be an option that I'd explore, but right now, at this point in my life, I'm not sure that I could give my baby up for adoption. Financially, it would be hard, but the support I'd have as an adult (including having a job, and my own transportation) is exponentially different than what I'd have had at 16 or 17. Now, this isn't saying that I want children any time soon, nooooo thank-you, but on the hypothetical, I would step up and be the best mother for my child. I'd have no reason not to.

I guess that's a good opportunity to ask for opinions on that. Would you keep a child that you, in your heart knew that you couldn't care properly for, or would you chose to give your baby a better life with an adoptive family who is completely ready for children?