Days 27-35 - Mental Mess

I admit, I wrote something out a few days back, and apparently it didn't post! Pretty lame. I can't remember what it was about anyway.

My brain has been such a chaotic mess the last...9 days that I just haven't been able to sit down and write something substantial in here, but friends are sticking to their word about getting on my case if I don't post for a while. I'm even reluctant right now, because I have nothing specific to write about, but maybe blabbing about random things will ease a bit of the tension that I have in my head.

I've said a few times in this blog so far, that I am incredibly thankful to have such a great job, but there's nights like tonight, where I'm just so physically and mentally drained. I felt like I was being pulled in 10 different directions. It's a horrible thing to say, but being at work, is sometimes like caring for 26 children for 8 hours. Bless their souls, they're great people, but their dementia's and challenges weigh on a person. I've had a splinting headache all day and it only got worse as my night progressed. I need more hours, so I agreed to work a 3-11pm shift tomorrow (one of my days off), so I'm hoping that it's far less tiring than tonight was.

Today was payday. I generally get $1,000 every 2 weeks, give or take a few dollars, and honestly, I barely have anything left. I feel like I just work to pay my bills. I'm not getting ahead in anything. I need to pay off debt, I want to go back to school, I'd like to be able to spoil myself once in a while, but it just isn't happening.

There's been a bit of reconciliation in my life lately. It's a welcome change, that's for sure. I've always disliked losing people in my life, so losing someone for a period of time and then having them back in your life as a friend is nice. There's a few other people who I'd like to start building the bridge with again, but we'll see. You really have to weigh the pros and cons of something like that, though.

Hockey is back, thank heavens. That 4.5 months was just torture. I really, really hope that The Canucks can make Vancouver proud this year and bring the cup home. The anti-canucks people who always cut them down really get on my nerves. Friendly competition is totally acceptable, but some people need to learn to respect others' opinions.

My sister found out today that she'll be having a baby girl in December, so I'll be Auntie Meesa to Miss. Sophia Kristina-Lynn. I'm getting a bit more excited about things, but I'm really anxious and worried for her. I know she'll pull through it, but I can see how much reality is going to hit her soon, and I don't want her overwhelmed. I guess that's where family comes in, but really, where's the line? How much is TOO much help? How much is too LITTLE help? It's a learning experience for us all. And at the end of the day, there's a baby to be loved, so it's not all bad. -- I've been having baby fever lately as well. My common sense side made sure that that won't happen any time soon, but the wishful side of me really wants a baby. 3 people close to me are all having babies between december and february, so I suppose I'll just have to babynap them to satisfy my thoughts haha.

I've been thinking a lot about school too. I can't explain how much I want to be accepted into the BPN program. I would be so incredibly happy to finally get going on my ultimate goal of being an RN. But at the same time, it stresses me out a lot because I don't know how I would go to school full-time and pay all the bills that need to be paid as well. I need to win the lottery. I have $7,500 in credit debt, $12,000 in grandparent debt (they paid for my RCA and pre-nursing courses) and then the $19,000 left to pay on my car. I get so down when I look at my pay stubs and see that I've made $18,000 so far this year and really nothing to show for it.

I'm really thankful that I have Jay right now. We've been together for almost a month now and he really makes my days brighter. I know that I can go to him if I'm feeling overwhelmed or upset and he does his best to cheer me up. I've spent a lot of time with him and I'm looking forward to spending a lot more with him as well.

I do think that writing this has helped me tonight. It's long, but I have to make up for this last week, I guess. I've been thinking about when I should take some time off work as vacation. I feel like I'm getting a bit burnt out. I'm not sure if I want to take it during the holidays because then I'm missing out on the stat-pay, but at the same time, I'd like to be able to spend it with family, especially since my little niece will be showing her face mid-end of december. We'll see.